i haven't been blogging for ages. cause everyday's packed like its not holiday.



2/2 outing at SENTOSA today. few people turned up.

did alot of stuff today, kayaking, luge, skyride. rollerblading.

finally one day of relaxation in our packed schedule.



the breeze and salty sea water, its nice. but Singapore has

lousy sand. come on, compare it to Gold coast, its far far far

worse!! and the water is like polluted cause cargo ships keep passing

by. chemical spills , eew.



tried to relive OBS days by renting the kayak. kayak-ed with sam,

but it was bad, not as good as OBS, i don't know why. tried to capsize,

but ended up i'm the only one in the water, cause sam don't dare

to capsize. omg, i miss TOCK SENG. =))



then did rollerblading with edna, while the rest rented bicycles.

we brought our own skates, so no need to pay, but the price to pay

was having to carry the stupid pair of skates everywhere u go, its

damn heavy la. oh and edna is damn hilarious on her skates, she'll

just scream when she feels like falling, and just fall. then we'll all laugh.

how retarded is that! xDD



then set the skyride, gosh the scenery is nice!! and yf keep repeating

that sentosa is so ROMANTIC!! ZI XIANG should know what to do.

u know what u guys did in INDIA!! =DD



they had cameras installed at parts of the skyride and luge. so our photos

were taken, but 1 copy cost $10. like abcdefg la. its worse than my $2 per

3R photo con.



today was just great. 2/2o'6 is still the best la.
okay and back to the busy schedule again.

and now, i'm random and retarded!
okay lets see the schedule for the next few days..

wednesday: ug council meeting (die)
thursday: tuition & study!
friday: training, evac silver pre-run.
saturday: mass accred.
sunday: pre camp

monday: annual camp
tuesday: annual camp
wednesday: annual camp

thursday: ul meeting?

friday: rcyc
saturday: rcyc
sunday: rcyc
monday: rcyc

gosh..so packed.



and i don't know how to end.
o----kay. bye.

tag replies

sam: qh high standars luh, haha.chest pumpings are the best!! =D
qh: u think too much mah!! haha.
moomoo: happy o7??
vivian tan: show u all off to the world ma..haha too cute to be kept in secret. =))
jojo: hello! i saw u today!
fish: haha, cool right! u happy hor, don't have qj. =DD haha. jkjk
jocelyn: errm, *runs away*..haha
hamtaro: yes mr random, but no it didn't become red. but got JELLYFISH. you
know i almost cried when i saw the jellyfish!!
jocelyn: FRIENDLY?!!! errrrm..
sam: SHY?!!! hahah.
invisible: being where? ahaha its okay, at least you got it back. congrats btw.
don't be so careless again anymore okay, don't anyhow delete stuff. =))


okay and so today, conquer O. english was funny. went up to present my topic-secret.
so its a little bit retarded. hmm, i keep saying 'luh' or 'la' then the whole class was like..can u don't say 'luh/la' anymore. but i subconsciously keep repeating that words. its omg embarrassing. yx and laura was so cute, haha. actually 3/3 o7 is not bad after all. gosh..

and so, i'm so bored that i've decided to post random pics.
seriously random. =)

look at the flood.

the holy 3, REACTIONS.

beautiful. brilliant photography. USMs.

hey, patrick!

four leaves, so cute. =))

while qj & dinie was in INDIA, ncc land still haad trng. julian

commanded the platoon and reported to js i think. so cool la.

lastly, okay this is terribly cute. have you seen anyone playing the piano &

sitting on a 2 legged chair?

omgggg, i can't stand my random-ness. there's training tmr, i hope the beloved 3 will pass RCK bronze!

tag replies

louisa: good luck for your Os.
joanne: haha no problem, and whenever i go to your blog, my computer hangs!! sorry!
ks: nahh, no problem. =DD
hamtaro: omgg, dylan is like so cute!! haha she's not dao-er than me for sure!!
laura: haha!! ya ya! u all sickos la!! =DDDDD
vivian: hmm, my eng not so good la. hahaha!!
yf: omgg, sounds so sweet!! now we're all back!!
qh: hahahaha, of course, how come u found ur way here and saw ur pics??! =P jkjk.
cheryl: cheryl?? u are ??
sam: yes me, don't sell your house okay.
izuan: yeahh, OBS is the best. india's also great, but couldn't possibly have gone for
both.. there were 2 different experiences. =))) thanks for tagging.

okay, so ystd we had training. only 2 ncos were present for trng, which is qh and me!! the rest either went to help print cip certs, or went for the NE talk. conducated training, normal stuff.

but PT was different.the CUTE pti, inquired how to do 'chest pumping', actually she had meant

chest expansion. so me and qh, being devils, demanded for them all to do chest pumpings. HAH,

how in the world are u supposed to do chest pumpings. its quite impossible, but our dearest PTI was able to do it and teach the squad, impressive?

but of course!!! omgg, i am so attracted to their cute-ness!!

omgg, amkssrcy shall prosper, with our new 'CHEST PUMPINGS!!'

jkjk, okay. then madm joanne came. sigh, disaster.. anyway, the 3 of you had better study

for the RCK bronze, and make sure u all pass!

okay and so, i'm glad to announce that i survived OBS!!



oh yes, i so love my watch & my watch would be TOCK

SENG. they are a bunch of fun, loving, adorable, helpful,

gentlemanly/womanly and great people! i love them to

bits & pieces. bedok south sec & ang mo kio sec make a

great team.



they are none other than iskandar, kenneth, wenyu,

zheng yuan, lin hao, joled, anselm, calvin, arifin, raiz, shaz,

siling, eunice, shermaine, eileen and me! & not to forget

our instructor, KHEE MENG . they are just

wonderful, and they made OBS meaningful. the unity within

is so strong that we share difficulties as well as happiness

together!



the activities were hard to overcome and complete.

everything needs teamwork to succeed.



for example kayaking, in a tri-yak around an island. high

rope elements with a buddy line attached. solo night walk.

pitch black concrete obstacle course as a rescue mission.

trekking with heavy backpacks & life vests & 2 litre water

bottles. jetty jump with jellyfish. outdoor cooking with food

rations.



we were mobile. moving from campsite to campsite.

new experiences for our watch. we shared the similar

experience so we were able to relate to each other. even

though we were strangers in the beginning, our friendship

was built up on trust and dependency to complete the course.



the last day was sad. hmm, but returned to school & met up
with the girls! missed them so much. exchanged experiences.
seeing them again was just so great!

OBS tock seng, to serve to strive and not to yield.

you see, people always choose to trust the lies and not believe the truth.
when the truth stares into their face, they refuse to accept it. they keep
thinking otherwise and that others are deceiving them. why?

gosh, i cannot believe that i am so affected.

had camp planning lessons with 2 cuteppl! haha. evelyn and shawn la.
u 2 have alot to learn, did you both listen to what sam and i said?
take down notes?? hmm.

at least we taught you our first lesson.
PUNCTUALITY! met them at mac. sam in her GG tee, me in RC tee.
after teaching them campfire stuffs, left mac with sam.

slight drizzle. walking under the tiny droplets of water. it was a nice feeling.
took bus 13. sat with sam.

the feeling of sitting beside the window, as the rain drops splatter on the
window pane. so close yet out of your reach. lightning and thunder.
we had ear pieces stuck in our ear. the songs playing over and over again.
strangers filled the bus and there was a constant chatter. but we still fell
asleep; on each others' shoulders.

when will we ever do this thing again? after graduation??

slept till we felt happy. then found the bus almost empty.
upper east coast. alighted when we felt like it.
patronised pizza hut, for their TOILET!! =D sam, you know it!!

we were dua pai. occupied a place meant for 6. =))
ate then went parkway parade - PP! sounds like that guides thing!

searched for polo tees, but none seems to fit. cause my shoulders are
broad, & can't wear female polos. yet guy's polos seem too huge.
we were like gluttons searching for food!, despite the baked rice
we had at pizzahut. eeek, when do we meet for exercise!

left after getting a PATRICK balloon from one of the shops at PP.
patrick as in patrick the starfish! i didn't want to look like an idiot
carrying around that balloon. so dissected it and in it went into a
plastic bag! =))

sat the bus back to yck. it was a long ride. slept again. tired.
everything, music all the same as the ride to upp ec.

bus rides are just great. esp when it rains and you're sitting by the window.

see the unity? =))

emo, emo together. smile, smile together. stare, stare together.

zhuai, zhuai together. its that 'thing' we share in common. where

we understand each other. cherish. treasure. and remember.

during training, the trust game.
the group i was with, as shown below.
they are superbly cute, i swear. look at my fellow NCO.
can you tell me what is she doing?
cause all i know is that the NCOs should be looking
over the cadets! haha, joking. qh seems seriously zi bi. oops.

and yes, mendi touches my hand and knows that it me.
she's got sixth sense.
NCO leading the blindfolded cadet. how adorable! =D
& i love our unit tee!

let me show you how qianhui plays pool.

looks alright, right?


but hey, things are getting out of hand.

and she climbs onto the table.

expert? hmmm.

had a lot of entertainment as i watched her play pool.

but i sense myself in great danger once this entry is out.

but i am lucky, for she is in INDIA & will see this only 8 days

later. oops. forgive me, qh.

when you all walked the red carpet.
i saw you, all of you. till i cried. when
it dawned on me that you'll be gone,
as the classes opposite ours shall be
empty, quiteness shall surround the
4th level. there'll be no one to be at
that window anymore! no one.

no one.

not even her. gone. gone its all gone!
where were the memories?
forever-and-a-day.. no more. when's
the day you'll ever meet again?
where? which part of the world?
will you pretend you didn't see?
will you just walk past as though
they're invisible?
will you stop to think, who's that
familiar face?
will you?

its all scribbled in those little books,
books to them. i hope they get it.
i hope they understand. i hope they
feel it. i want them to know. i need
them to know.

words, inexplicable. i can't explain.
i don't know, why i'm mixed up.

yf, i look up to you. you had the
courage to give yesterday a miss.
i wanted to, but .. i thought i would
regret. i know you'll miss her even
more than i do. i know it. but you
were brave enough, to not go.

it hurts, it really does. tell me what
i should do, when i try to be happy.
to smile, to laugh, to uphold an image.


today was bad enough, i did try. try
my best to excel, just for once. to
do better than i myself expected. but
i was utterly disappointed, even more
than the usual. and some things made
it even worse. qh finally understands
how i feel.

you called. i didn't know if i should pick
up. but i was having training. it was the
first time you called. but i was glad that
you were fine.

my dear dear cadets, i'd hope today's
training had helped you recalled more
of your drills. footdrill competition is
round the corner. we must show the
rest. is that CLEAR?!! =DD
way to go AMKSSRCY!

this post ended in a happy tone, luckily.
i hate my results.

today is the day. yeahh the last. so fast it started, and
so fast it ended. the videos were not as touching as last
year!! but the teacher's messages were definitely
touching. esp ms eunice tan!! hmm, and ms deepa.

edna, qh, ks, sam were up at the gallery with me.
even though we weren't the ones graduating, i guessed
that we felt some other kind of emotions in us. that
is - how we would be next year on this day. how it
would be to control all the emotions which are so mixed
up and hard to entangle. 4 years of friendship, so hard
to let go.

a sudden burst of emotions; they were exiting the then
brightly lit hall, shaking the hands of the teacher's who
moulded them to become who they are now. they were
leaving. leaving. till we meet again. omgggg, when? never?
holding back my tears was just so hard, and sam cried
a whole lot. maybe our definition of 'missing them' ain't
the same. she has her own feelings for her, but unlike
mine. gosh, it was for once we thought differently.

it was the second time i saw xinyu cry, very very
saddenning! people emo-ed and many photographs
taken. perhaps as memories. hugs. smiles. tears. tissue
paper. emo. goodbye. eee..so emo!!

the scenario was something like that of last year, and
i entrusted the 'BIG' task of passing gifts to the sec fours.
ya ya i know its insincere, but .. nvm. but this year
i passed to them MYSELF okay. courage, where are you?!

but i didn't do what i promise i'd try to do. i couldnt, had
the urge to just walk away. i still couldn't, not even today.
i'm sorry. but you were okay! so there wasn't any need
for me to! thank god. hmmm.

oh and, MY PURPLE STAR GOT OWNED by someone
else. i wanna cry!! just kidding la. but really regretted
leaving it on the table!! YINGXIN!! okay, nvm. it's just
not meant to be mine. like omg, i came back and all the
material was gone. i was like, uhhhh.....

& take care of my
star okay? whoever who got it!

now i'm left with 2 yellow stars and a pink one. its hard
to fold a star, i think i told the whole world that just
now. purple star, i'll miss you!

there's school tmr, have to fall in. this shall be the first
time i dread falling in in the morning. hmm. i need to
prepare my uniform, my white rc U! bye people!

and thanks for your letter, i can feel it.

finally. omgg, i love this blogskin, except for
the fact that words are in blue. it looks quite
disgusting! and as for the width of the entry
box, its very small. not wide enough to view
the whole line. so for people who don't know
what to do, click on the entry box, then use
left/right arrow to move the words. that's
all.

and ppl, don't emo tmr. no tears, nothing.
it should be a happy day.

so many of them. to me, every one was different and had their own beauty. i'm too much of a perfectionist. its not that she folded them improperly, but its just not right. each represented the efforts spent and they all have a special meaning to me!

but the one that i took a liking to had to break. its all ** fault! he pulled so hard then it broke! its broken!! actually it broke long ago. i bu fu qi you know. grrr. nevermind, i found a black one. even though it isn't as nice as the white one i used to have. but it'll do.

today was a bad and sucky day. why? cause everyone was pissed and frustrated and being emo.
big misunderstanding. fine fine, i think too much. tried to control my emotions, ended up 'dao-ing' people again. maybe its my character. supposed to go out with sam today. but cause everyone moodswing until very jialat, ended up spending the whole day in school. watched xinyu and weilin do their work, they were hilarious. made me laugh and smile; hmm.

combed amk hub. nothing much there. saw mdm chong and her daughters at popular-jubilee. so cool, then sam called her daughters little chongs. =)) then went to 'this fashion' where yifang blurted out seriously rude comments on the kind of tights they sell there. it was funny, but the shopkeeper don't look happy, yifang! haha.

left soon after. one more day wasted. hais

one week of exams finally over. there's still 2 more papers to go.
CHEMISTRY & GEOGRAPHY. kill me.

amath, physics, bio, and emath paper 2. caused me to feel disheartened. yes, i may have been able to answer yf's qns, but i definitely didn't write what i told her in my exam paper. my mind was totally in a blank. like how it was during ug interview.

and one more thing about exams, i dislike it when people who obviously studied and put their best effort into it, say that they didn't even touch their book at all. like come on, if you studied, just admit it. you won't die by admitting you STUDIED right? its like, when i say i will fail, i really mean it. but some of YOU, claim that you will fail, and fail, AND FAIL! right before we get back our papers, but in the end, end up getting A1 okkay. like hello, can you don't pass such sacarstic remarks, which makes the people who really did fail feel inferior you know. no need to fail, even just passed by a few marks. that's why i hate exam periods. gosh;

and the above paragraph is not directed at a single person. just referring to some people on the whole.

i shall concentrate on studying. i must PASS CHEMISTRY this time.

What the Modern Woman Wants
By Amanda Chong Wei-Zhen

The old woman sat in the backseat of the magenta convertible as it careened down the highway, clutching tightly to the plastic bag on her lap, afraid it may be kidnapped by the wind. She was not used to such speed, with trembling hands she pulled the seatbelt tighter but was careful not to touch the patent leather seats with her callused fingers, her daughter had warned her not to dirty it, 'Fingerprints show very clearly on white, Ma.'

Her daughter, Bee Choo, was driving and talking on her sleek silver mobile phone using big words the old woman could barely understand. 'Finance' 'Liquidation' 'Assets' 'Investments'... Her voice was crisp and important and had an unfamiliar lilt to it. Her Bee Choo sounded like one of those foreign girls on television. She was speaking in an American accent.
The old lady clucked her tongue in disapproval.

'I absolutely cannot have this. We have to sell!' Her daughter exclaimed agitatedly as she stepped on the accelerator; her perfectly manicured fingernails gripping onto the steering wheel in irritation.

'I can't DEAL with this anymore!' she yelled as she clicked the phone shut and hurled it angrily toward the backseat. The mobile phone hit the old woman on the forehead and nestled soundlessly into her lap.

She calmly picked it up and handed it to her daughter.

'Sorry, Ma,' she said, losing the American pretence and switching to Mandarin. 'I have a big client in America. There have been a lot of problems.'

The old lady nodded knowingly. Her daughter was big and important.
Bee Choo stared at her mother from the rear view window, wondering what she was thinking.
Her mother's wrinkled countenance always carried the same cryptic look.
The phone began to ring again, an artificially cheerful digital tune, which broke the awkward silence.

'Hello, Beatrice! Yes, this is Elaine.' Elaine. The old woman cringed. I didn't name her Elaine.
She remembered her daughter telling her, how an English name was very important for 'networking', Chinese ones being easily forgotten.

'Oh no, I can't see you for lunch today. I have to take the ancient relic to the temple for her weird daily prayer ritual.'

Ancient Relic. The old woman understood perfectly it was referring to her. Her daughter always assumed that her mother's silence meant she did not comprehend.

'Yes, I know! My car seats will be reeking of joss sticks!'
The old woman pursed her lips tightly, her hands gripping her plastic bag in defence.
The car curved smoothly into the temple courtyard. It looked almost garish next to the dull sheen of the ageing temple's roof. The old woman got out of the back seat, and made her unhurried way to the main hall.

Her daughter stepped out of the car in her business suit and stilettos and reapplied her lipstick as she made her brisk way to her mother's side.

'Ma, I'll wait outside. I have an important phone call to make,' she said, not bothering to hide her disgust at the pungent fumes of incense.

The old lady hobbled into the temple hall and lit a joss stick, she knelt down solemnly and whispered her now familiar daily prayer to the Gods.

Thank you God of the Sky, you have given my daughter luck all these years. Everything I prayed for, you have given her. She has everything a young woman in this world could possibly want. She has a big house with a swimming pool, a maid to help her, as she is too clumsy to sew or cook.

Her love life has been blessed; she is engaged to a rich and handsome angmoh man. Her company is now the top financial firm and even men listen to what she says. She lives the perfect life. You have given her everything except happiness. I ask that the gods be merciful to her even if she has lost her roots while reaping the harvest of success.

What you see is not true - she is a filial daughter to me. She gives me a room in her big house and provides well for me. She is rude to me only because I affect her happiness. A young woman does not want to be hindered by her old mother. It is my fault.

The old lady prayed so hard that tears welled up in her eyes. Finally, with her head bowed in reverence she planted the half-burnt joss stick into an urn of smouldering ashes.
She bowed once more.

The old woman had been praying for her daughter for thirty-two years. When her stomach was round like a melon, she came to the temple and prayed that it was a son.
Then the time was ripe and the baby slipped out of her womb, bawling and adorable with fat thighs and pink cheeks, but unmistakably, a girl. Her husband had kicked and punched her for producing a useless baby who could not work or carry the family name.

Still, the woman returned to the temple with her new-born girl tied to her waist in a sarong and prayed that her daughter would grow up and have everything she ever wanted. Her husband left her and she prayed that her daughter would never have to depend on a man.

She prayed every day that her daughter would be a great woman, the woman that she, meek and uneducated, could never become. A woman with nengkan; the ability to do anything she set her mind to A woman who commanded respect in the hearts of men. When she opened her mouth to speak, precious pearls would fall out and men would listen.

She will not be like me, the woman prayed as she watched her daughter grow up and drift away from her, speaking a language she scarcely understood. She watched her daughter transform from a quiet girl, to one who openly defied her, calling her laotu; old-fashioned. She wanted her mother to be 'modern', a word so new there was no Chinese word for it.

Now her daughter was too clever for her and the old woman wondered why she had prayed like that.

The gods had been faithful to her persistent prayer, but the wealth and success that poured forth so richly had buried the girl's roots and now she stood, faceless, with no identity, bound to the soil of her ancestors by only a string of origami banknotes.

Her daughter had forgotten her mother's values. Her wants were so ephemeral; that of a modern woman.

Power, Wealth, access to the best fashion boutiques, and yet her daughter had not found true happiness.

The old woman knew that you could find happiness with much less. When her daughter left the earth everything.

She had would count for nothing. People would look to her legacy and say that she was a great woman, but she would be forgotten once the wind blows over, like the ashes of burnt paper convertibles and mansions.

The old woman wished she could go back and erase all her big hopes and prayers for her daughter; now she had only one want: That her daughter be happy. She looked out of the temple gate. She saw her daughter speaking on the phone, her brow furrowed with anger and worry. Being at the top is not good, the woman thought, there is only one way to go from there - down.

The old woman carefully unfolded the plastic bag and spread out a packet of bee hoon in front of the altar.

Her daughter often mocked her for worshipping porcelain Gods. How could she pray to them so faithfully and expect pieces of ceramic to fly to her aid? But her daughter had her own gods too, idols of wealth, success and power that she was enslaved to and worshipped every day of her life.

Every day was a quest for the idols, and the idols she worshipped counted for nothing in eternity.

All the wants her daughter had would slowly suck the life out of her and leave her, an empty soulless shell at the altar.

The old lady watched her joss tick. The dull heat had left a teetering grey stem that was on the danger of collapsing.

Modern woman nowadays, the old lady sighed in resignation, as she bowed to the east one final time to end her ritual. Modern woman nowadays want so much that they lose their souls and wonder why they cannot find it.

Her joss stick disintegrated into a soft grey powder. She met her daughter outside the temple, the same look of worry and frustration was etched on her daughter's face. An empty expression, as if she was ploughing through the soil of her wants looking for the one thing that would sow the seeds of happiness.

They climbed into the convertible in silence and her daughter drove along the highway, this time not as fast as she had done before.

'Ma,' Bee Choo finally said. 'I don't know how to put this. Mark and I have been talking about it and we plan to move out of the big house. The property market is good now, and we managed to get a buyer willing to pay seven million for it. We decided we'd prefer a cosier penthouse apartment instead. We found a perfect one in Orchard Road . Once we move in to our apartment we plan to get rid of the maid, so we can have more space to ourselves...'

The old woman nodded knowingly.

Bee Choo swallowed hard. 'We'd get someone to come in to do the housework and we can eat out-but once the maid is gone, there won't be anyone to look after you. You will be awfully lonely at home and, besides that, the apartment is rather small. There won't be space. We thought about it for a long time, and we decided the best thing for you is if you moved to a Home. There's one near Hougang-it's a Christian home, a very nice one.'

The old woman did not raise an eyebrow. 'I've been there, the matron is willing to take you in. It's beautiful with gardens and lots of old people to keep you company! I hardly have time for you, you'd be happier there.'

'You'd be happier there, really.' Her daughter repeated as if to affirm herself.

This time the old woman had no plastic bag of food offerings to cling tightly to; she bit her lip and fastened her seat belt, as if it would protect her from a daughter who did not want her anymore. She sunk deep into the leather seat, letting her shoulders sag, and her fingers trace the white seat.

'Ma?' her daughter asked, searching the rear view window for her mother. 'Is everything okay?'
What had to be done, had to be done. 'Yes,' she said firmly, louder than she intended, 'if it will make you happy,' she added more quietly.

'It's for you, Ma! You'll be happier there. You can move there tomorrow, I already got the maid to pack your things.' Elaine said triumphantly, mentally ticking yet another item off her agenda.
'I knew everything would be fine.' Elaine smiled widely; she felt liberated. Perhaps getting rid of her mother would make her happier. She had thought about it. It seemed the only hindrance in her pursuit of happiness. She was happy now. She had everything a modern woman ever wanted; Money, Status, Career, Love, Power and now, Freedom, without her mother and her old-fashioned ways to weigh her down...

Yes, she was free. Her phone buzzed urgently, she picked it up and read the message, still beaming from ear to ear. 'Stocks 10% increase!'

Yes, things were definitely beginning to look up for her...

And while searching for the meaning of life in the luminance of her hand phone screen, the old woman in the backseat became invisible, and she did not see the tears.

today. a secret for a secret? i'm confused. i really am.
no one can understand. cause its a secret.


'because your intention was good, you wanted to help them, despite the outcome, you cant feel guilty because you've done good. your conscience is clear.'

what if all i wanted was just to help them, but caused much more trouble than expected?
arghh, i just.................oh crappppppp.


the past few days were fun. studying together made everything better.
laughter keeps you going. =)))

and i've been baaaaad recently. walking past ______ and not saying hello. i've been evil. i shall say hi the next time i see her. sorry.

Free Hugs Campaign. (music by Sick Puppies.net album out)

i just viewed a video on izuan's blog. free hugs. it touching i swear.
strangers on the streets who don't know each other, are willing to exchange hugs.
at first, you might feel awkward, as you don't even know that person. but someone out there is willing to give you a hug. just a small action, a hug. bring people from all walks of life together. help to spread the hugs, bring just a little smile to each and every person, and you'll be smiling broadly inside. sometimes hugs help, when someone feels down and no words of consolation helps, try the hug. they might accept it..

spread the hugs. hope you don't mind, izuan.

small and immature kids. that's us.

and one more thing, i'm starting to feel repugnant towards this blogskin, i swear that i will change it after FYE. this current blogskin is just getting on my nerves. and somemore what about me saying that it was cute in the past. i guess one's mindset changes as time passes.

i will change this blogskin soon. soooooooon..

home is just a place i return to everyday. there's no emotions. nothing at all. i'm not myself at home. it's not that my mummy and daddy are not taking that good a care of me. but its just that, i choose not to show them the real me. i love my parents to a certain extent. but they can never understand how i feel. never.

and i never intended for them to know, and they shouldn't. and so, therefore I AM. and i will be strong, they shall never see the real me. its a secret.

i introduced ks to techno dance songs. and he said only emo people listen to them.

i denied, i thought only crazy people like me listen to it. but come to think of it again, i guess he's right.

i feel, these days i'm becoming more and more emotional. sinking deeper and deeper into not depression, but something else. i don't know what. craziness. i want to cry. but not at home. i can't. i miss them so much. thank you sam, for we share the same sentiments. we miss them so much. so so so much. i can never forget. ks said that people will always encounter goodbyes. its true, so many goodbyes. yet this year would be the saddest goodbye. i know it may seem stupid, as parting is just a small part of life. but i can't. i really tried. edna told me to try, as everything is possible. but i can't, i will succumb to the sad emotions in me. i tried so hard already. very hard. maybe after they leave i will be fine already. that will still be a long time from now. i want to just forget. how to? someone tell me what i should do..

oh and, happy belated birthday vanessa!

you're 15 now. but i'll lways rememeber our childish times together!

where we founded our shu nu's 4. and trainings together.

not forgetting the trips to 202.

take care girl, and stay happy. =))

ystd mooncake festival. played basketball with calvin and joel! damn fun but they bullied me. they don't let me have the ball. actually 3/3 is not that bad. but this year's festival isn't like the past 2 years. 2/2, gone..i felt pissed. i don't know for what ever reason. kept trying to shoot the ball. tried so hard to focus. but i just kept missing. got so pissed with the ball. while the rest were happily playing, and while sam was running round and round the school. dripping with sweat and turbulent emotions building up. i returned to rc room. saw xinyu in there. i felt guilty, for asking her to come, and yet she had nothing to do. luckily alex was there, or else she might have been bored to death.

played with cold water afterwards, me and sam. we were dripping wet, but it helped so much to remove all my anger and piss-ness? felt much better after that.

and after the long talk with xinyu and sam, we went to play candles. fire, light, sparks. it was fun. first time with people we didn't really know. but as sam said, yeahh make new friends. in the end, girls had their own time; guys on their own. it was 3 - 3. haha. reached home about 11++. it would be memorable. forever, and a day. in less than 1 month, all will be leaving.

die, emo le. wenjia said that i go graduation assembly to see ppl cry.

'i believe its all planned out!!! if fate really want ppl to meet, no matter how they hide, they'll still meet.'

how true. goodbyes are stupid. damn, and everybody should just not have any close friends, if they need to part one day. i once asked someone how they would feel if years from now, you meet someone you were very close to in the past. but this time, not in school, but when you're all grown up, and have jobs. what would you feel? pretend you didn't see them, just walk past them? or would you exchange hugs, and sit down and chat? i think most people would just walk away. that's the sad part. really sad.

words that you want to say, say it. before its too late. don't wait till there's no more chance, you'll regret. .. ..

i shall leave all unpleasant thoughts to my bed. flashes occassionally come and go. but other than that, i'm quite fine now.

english portfolio is a killer. i think i have misplaced 1 worksheet. and yes, i have been baaaad. cause i went blog-hopping. ended up at mrs chung's blog. and you know, i find it kinda hilarous yet cute to see a teacher blogging. especially with all those short-form words. they are real funny. i shall give a 'laugh' now. HAHA. i laughed, the first from afternoon till now. a source and form of entertainment and amusement. teacher's should blog more.

and that's all i have to say. few words, short but not sweet. kill my thoughts.

i heard, and my legs walked to the rhythm in my mind. just walking forward, to where seemed right. uncontrollable was the word; i wasn't prepared at all.


'if you know you'll easily get affected by others then sometimes its good not to bother. if you want to help others, make sure you are emotionally prepared. if you are also like that, how will others recover from their troubles or fears?'

i guess so, my innermost feelings kept safe from the outside world. for all who was so eager to know, i was not being emo, i was only dazed. the thoughts of the incident which happened earlier on still rushed through my mind, constantly recurring. i can never forget. why am i doing this, or rather why did i do that? why didn't i control my legs, to stop me from walking.
in the end, i ended up in a real daze, shocking everyone because i haven't been in that state for a very very very long time.

and i'm really sorry wenjia, i'm sorry i scared you and dao-ed you. i was the first to give you such a stare and black face huh..i really wanna apologise. and sam, i'm sorry you had to walk around the whole school in search for me. today is just bad. what the hell is wrong with me. your face, your everything. shut myself up. i could never, ever be. i told myself time and again not to bother, but it ain't that easy. it seriously isn't. when it comes to something you really wanna abstain from, but your mind tells you otherwise. its so hard to go the backflow. your mind only tells you to go forward. valves in the mind prevent the backflow of thoughts? there's no such thing by the way. i dislike my stupid reasoning. strong distaste and repugnance.

i shall just TRY to not care. and isolate myself from this alluring yet complex and harshly realistic world. one wrong move you make, you dig your own grave. so i have to question every move that i make, and move along as things, people and the environment changes.

would someone tell me how to move on?

today.
it was fine at the beginning. until after school. spent recess with weilin. its been a long time since we did so.

after school met angeline, the tee-shirt woman. making unit tee. i love my unit to bits and pieces. coz everysingle one of them is precious! from sec 1s, to sec 2s, to the ncos. all of you are great. =))

exams coming in less than 2 weeks. everyone is mugging hard. what about me? i don't know. damn myself. i'll box myself la. jiayou ppl.

i saw, your back. but i didn't look, it was sam who told me. thanks anyway. for trying to explain.
its always like this. if only i could talk to you how i talked to the others. will i be able to? will you be able to?

who's our VI? i really wanna know. i wonder...

end of year chalet okkay. madm joanne requested. i guess if theres a chalet, it would be a noisy one..

i don't want you to go. she got me all emo-ed up. see, its her fault. and i say, don't leave.
we're gonna plan a day to come late together. i wish we could spend the remaining time well. i just wanna keep this in my memory forever. i wanna keep all those names in my memory . never to be forgotten. this last phase..after the Os, it will all be over. for them, it will be a new journey.

invisible, its just a word. do i feel invisible?? do you?? u said no. what you ought to do? i don't know either. we're strangers..that's what you once told me. i understand what u meant. but by doing this, i'm falling deeper. deeper into this bond. when you leave, i'll fall smack down onto the ground. no trees or clouds or stars to catch me when i fall. and then the whole process starts again, whereby you leave, saying you'll nvr forget. and hope things to continue as how it were. saying you hope this whole thing will last..i heard it not only once or twice, but multiple times before. in the end, what happens?? drift further and further away..day by day. what you once promised is gone. i wanna thank you all these times for serving as a motivation for me. i don't know how i have made an impact on you, but i guess you did, on me. maybe just an aquaintance, someone to share my sentiments with, yet it managed to improve. improved to the climax, and then it dropped drastically. how unstable it is. when at times, we get really really upset and hurt by each other, and those little bad 'games' we played. the ignoration when we walk past eaach other. the hide and seeks. the pats. the smiles. its not to be forgotten. to me, i'll remember it, and i hold you to your each and every word. as for you, i don't know. i really don't know what you are thinking. you said you don't trust, and at times i really feel...............last resort. i know to bring this up again is my bad, and i apologise. its not your fault, its just mine. for being an encumberance to you, if i am. but now you understand how i feel? what will we be like in the near future. i don't wish to think. i hope this will last..

back from oa silver. i tell you, this camp really suck. bad bad baddddddd.
we reached there and started off with lessons. knots and lashings, map reading. lunch was outdoor cooking. 2 bricks, 1 zinc sheet, leaves/twigs, 3 matches, 1 match box. 5 packets of instant noodles, 4 eggs, 2 packets of 10 sausages, 1 can of baked beans, 1 can of mushrooms and 1 HUGE packet of VEGGY! so much food can! for FOUR people only leh! but we had a real fun time la. my group was damn hilarious. but we managed to cook finish all the food except veggy before the fire went out. i LOVE my group members! wahahha, they are so cool la. and it was so bonding.

after lunch we pitched tents, i think. hmmm. pitched the 8 men tent. then i forgot got what liao la. i'd got STM, bad bad. i can only remember distinct events. heh. campfire afterwards. planned by the oa gold trainees. i forgot to say that they suck man. ya maybe its their duty to do that, but what right have they to call us CADETS! i punch them in the face then they know la! hello, you aare sergeant, so are we okkay! i box you all la! some of you all even sec 2, and dare call us sec 3s , cadets! what the BIRD! i tell you, not as if any gold trainees would read this, but in oa silver, there are also sec 3 NCOs who hold posts in their schs okkay. maybe ya, even leaders have to learn to take orders, but what gives them the right to call us cadets la! anyway, campfire was !@#$%^&* .nothing one..quite CMI la. that aaron guy and a compassvale girl sang 'breaking free'. i tell you, the guy is BADDDDDD. and i have bad impression of him cause qh said that in ULP, he scolded his own cadetmates, when all those ppl who go for ULP are future HEADs of their sch units! he sing damn out of tune la. and the VIs fu yan them la. and ma'am shu yueh super high and enthu. wahh cannot stand it sia.

after campfire was SAIKANG. bring the metal cupboards and long long long poles from second floor to the first. then OTOT, own time own target. ppl showered, and i had to go re-test. i'm so SAD-ED. ppl don't rub salt into my wound, i'll kill you i tell you. then as i returned, wanting to go back to my tent in the middle of a wet, muddy field at around 1.30am at night, i SAW qianhui walking out. cool right, so coincidental. then i walked with her, and found out that she had some stomach disorder!!!! U KNOW WHY?!! CAUSE SHE ATE THE RAW VEGGY DURING outdoor cooking. sir ambrose put her to it! he dared her, and she bit of the end of a fresh, green veggy. cute right!!! HAHAHA, i had a fine time waiting in the toilet. after we were done, we went back to our tents, and guess what. 2 PEOPLE had entered our tent and slept in our places. me and qh were astonished. some one woke up and told us that their tent no space so they sleep in our tent. so pekchek leh. me and qh went to the canteen. chatted abit about stuffs. apparently we weren't that tired anymore, even though it was 2.15am. and suddenly we heard footsteps, madms and sirs walked down the stairs. and we DIED. no la, just kidding. we kena interrogated. ma'am shu yueh's face turned black as the night sky. me and qh stuttered in our speech. and guess what. she and derek sir woke the whole camp up. all the girls were standing in the field in senang diri position. me and qh saw and together we went, 'oh shit, these ppl are so gonna kill us'
ya, so paiseh when we had to stand out in front of the campers. after that, slept. hot, sticky, flustered, tired. woke up at 5.45. me and qianhui were very very sleepy. refusing to get up, we slept awhile more while our tent mates already went to wash up. lazy right. assembled on time at the canteen. the gold trainees took us as cadets again, i box them la.

went for urban hike. to places like fast ear square, lau pa sat, singapore river, dobhy ghaut, fort canning, chijmes, and alot of other places. my team were great. we chiong-ed all the way. 9 checkpoints to cover to complete the hike. we stopped after the 7 checkpoint to take lunch, all of us were thoroughly exhausted as we had to carry all our barang barang with us. i was carrying 2 bags somemore. the oa gold look down on me somemoe leh. so what if the gold!! carrying 2 bags nia, tiring, but i don't need them to treat me as a weakling. i box them again la! then fighting with DELTA for the first place. we chionged to fortcanning, answered the questions and chiong back to hq. mounting fatigue..yet we still used our put in our last ounce of effort to rush back to hq, trying so hard to beat DELTA. even though winning is not all there is. we managed to find the shorted route back to hq, and emerged the first. sweating and panting like dogs, we dropped to the floor. our hair all wet, eeew. disgusting!!then got auction with all our points. and got debrief. our instructors for the hike were mok qijun sir and derek sir. photo time, and dismissal.

i'll always remember shu yueh madm. for her fierce scolding at night!
and we swear we won't go for oa gold. even if we go, our silver trainees will not be called cadets. we will call them silver trainees!

you succeeded. i haven't done so in ages, eons maybe. i have learnt to be stronger. but today, what you have said made me reminisce of our past. our shortlived happiness though. even for just awhile. silence between us would even have worked. we could just bask in each other's company, just sitting there. it could be a talk, a chatter, or even silence, or tears. everything would work as long as we had each other. but now, things seemed to have changed. you have changed, my dear. u have your own group, maybe its time we both let go. even though its hard coz i know what exactly you yearn for, and you know me inside out. our thoughts, telepathy you may call it, but its because of all the times we spent together that we know each other like the back of our own hand. but then again, things are changing. we are now lacking in consistency - desultory you may call it.

you asked - is the devil playing with us?
i replied - yeahh.

the devil, why must you come?! we were perfectly fine . yet you had to come along, you devil. i find you pitiable! you have to find targets everytime, and destroy their perfectly insouciant lives! they were free of worry, yet you had to break them up. you are devoid of freshness and originality, as all of us fall prey to your practically predictable little tricks. please don't play such tricks again. as you turn more and more of us into devils just like you!

and don't cry my dear, tears won't help. one day, we'll still have to let go right? even though i know there's no one else like you, and you know that there's no one else like me. we'll be fine. and you'll be okkay.. don't go to the toilet anymore. same bags, same wallets, same handphone pouches don't work anymore. we're just drifted. and i'm trying. we both should? to keep this bond going. it should work.

school, just seems like a daily routine. without things to spice things up, school and life is boring. while the classrooms opposite ours have been empty for a week and a few days, there's nothing. seems like the emptiness has set in. it will be like this when next year comes. oh well, everything has to come to an end. this is just the beginning of the end. complicated enough?

today, aop. disappointed yet again. only the 2 regulars turned up. grrrr, no doubt i was disappointed, but again i sort of expected it. i should cheer up. as i told myself, 2 pillars will support one roof. =)) the roof won't really fall right?? hmm. hopefully not.

i'm amused by the lanyards in our room. black and red. looks real tempting. i kept bugging the rest that i wanna put it on my uniform. but i don't know how to wear it. according to the rest, you have to use many safety pins to pin it on. people like ncc air top 5 have no problem putting it on, coz they have their seniors to help them. haha. us, again, independence! isn't it 'goooood'? hmm. aren't we used to it already? oh and, exams are really really near. and i'm so like gonna die. i don't know how.

bye people. see ya next time.
p.s i haven't seen them for a very very long time.

High School musical 2 - I Gotta Go My Own Way (FULL movie )

the best song in high school musical 2.

first aid across singapore.

arrived to sch, wanted to get evac badge to wear, but there were only 4 left. not enough for the 5 of us who passed, excluding yinyin coz she already got . so sad, me and edna cannot have our badges on full house today. changed into our uniforms and took our clipboards. qh, van, yinyin and edna went to help ms tan. while me and yifang helped to sort the schools out.

XXX sch is damn uncooperative. me and yifang said fuck like dunno how many times la. we so busy yet they don't wanna cooperate. then because of our running here and there, we became smelly and sweaty. then edna spotted my casualty, the one whom i ripped off his shirt during FAC. hehe, poor guy. cannot let him see me, else i die? haha. jkjk. and the worst thing is edna went around and telling others that 'that guy' is my casualty and blah blah.

then waited for everything to settle down, after briefing and all. madm WEISHAN was the head of north district for FAAS or something. initially, we found her familiar but don't know who she was. until she introduced herself as weishan, me and edna de jaw almost dropped. and we went 'OHHHHH'. yifang's reaction was even more OMG when i told her. she practically shouted.

then me and edna brought the links to amk hub, and as it was raining, our boots got soaked. eeew, wet socks and wet boots. helped them at amk hub. giving out collaterals and blah blah. FAAS is ...not fun at all..haha.

after that went back to sch, felt so tired and didn't wanna go for tuition. me and edna kept thinking of reasons to pon. in the end, took bus back home. tuitioned for 2hrs 30 mins. learned chemistry with edna and sam.

holidays are baaaaaaaad. sch's reopening soon. i'm sleepy.

yesterday went for civil defence course. took the bus, our unit with northbrooks sec..then we didn't know the way, and foolishly thought that ang jinghan knew the way. he zhuai ma wear ULP shirt. so we followed them..in the end when we realised that we have been taking the bus for a very long time, then decided to ask the bus uncle. and wala, we are like miles away from our destination. nahh not so exaggerated la..but around 10 busstops away..yeahh our destination was yishun industrial park. but we were at admiralty?? yeahh ..and the borthbrookers were also with us. then took 169 in the opp direction, headed towards yishun industrial park. then as soon as we alighted, the jinghan took his unit, and they dashed towards the civil defence headquarters. they looked weird, coz they were in a bunch, and when they ran, they looked like some crazy ppl rushing to meet a celebrity. it was ugly, but maybe they wanted so much to be punctual?? haha. but ya in the end, we ended up running too. -.-

saw a doggy, and we were all frightened, except mendi. who walked so close to the dog as if it were her bestest friend, when i was like oh-my-friggin-god scared out of my wits. the northbrookers were in front of us, and they hao bu rong yi got past that doggy, (seemed like they were afraid of dogs too) and they looked back at us to see if we could get past. then they started running again. like wth. its hilarious i swear. looking at a bunch of ppl running on a big road.. wearing trackpants carrying heavy bags containing writing materials for the course..
and we finally reached the 3rd division SCDF hq or something.

the course was blah blah la..evac and first aid, we know already. even though no harm listening to it once again. but our method different from SCDFs, so uh yeah..didn't manage to absorb anything. crapped with vanessa who was sitting beside me. and somehow i started pulling off everyone's laces. shoe laces. qh, yinyin and edna all fell prey to ME!

then there was this metal wok kinda thing, where the fireman put on a fire. then open extinguishers for ppl who wanna try. and chongxi was the damn brave one to go up first.oh mygod. i have a phobia for fire okkay!!! i seriously don't know how i'm gonna pass my S-P-A. and for the test, it was ohh myyyyyyyyyyy godddddd. the instructor actually told us the answers for the first page. C-C-C-C-A-B-C. as in which instructor will tell cadets taking a test the answer?? then after the test, we were free to go.

the 6 of us NCOs went to swensens . we ate until damn full. nice feeling, i LOVE NCOS o7 !! then vanessa left, while the rest of us walked around northpoint. then took neoprints. so sad that vanessa not there right, else we would have a complete photo! see la, VANESSA CHUA! all ur fault leh. =))

after that went home . bathed then out again. went to support my sis at her junior band festival. cock up la, as in the tickets and the sitting in victoria concert hall. there was not enough seats, and as we went late, we couldn't go in leh. then some of the ppl were angry and demanded to see the organiser. in the end, our amk students had to come out, making space for the other audience. AMKSS is good lo, give up their seats, other schs not gentlemanly enough. =)) the performances was okkay..hmm only the guest band - nyjc concert band did superbly well. if i'm not wrong i saw xue li. then i thought of yifang. =DD

went home, tired. slept. and today there's SANA course.
woke up half dead. didn't wanna get out of bed. dad was nice to fetch me to sengkang mrt. where i met the rest of them. walked to sengkang cc. the instructors were -.-.they were trying to be funny. but apparently they weren't. they showed videos and gave lectures. they even showed a video of caning in prison. which is EEEEEW. a few others and i did not wanna witness that gross scene, and we left the studio. the test was okkay..and tian wei (GB) scored full marks. pro right. hah, and i even saw sarah seo. i dunno if she rmbs me. hah. maybe i changed too much that no one recognises me. primary school, oh mans that seem so far away. so far back into the past. nahh, don't poke that up again. i disliked primary school life. except for redcross in pyps.

then there was role play . it was damn lolololol. nothing one. all the cadets speak so so so so soft. some groups were hilarious. some we -.-. others were just normal. then after prize presentation, we all could leave. and yes, everyone passed the SANA course.

and i'm currently at home, i talked on the phone, viewed others' blogs, blogged, chatted on msn with tons of ppl. yet only touched a tiny winy piece of my homework. i am shit. i still left so many pieces undone. i am so dead.

my rest of the week is fully packed. here goes,

thursday - ug council meeting
friday - trip to little india to experience indian culture, evacuation course by alvin sir
saturday - first aid across singapore(FAAS), tuition
sunday - time for homework!! finally. and tuition again.

i hate my holidays~! that's it. i'm gonna do my homework, bye ppl.
p.s yiling, you little ms piggy!

yesterday learnt evac bronze. alvin sir came, and blah blah. learn basic radio com. damn cool leh. but alvin sir said i looked blur blur. i understand hor. and i understand malay. its something about me that not many ppl know. muahhahaha.

after that ate mac, ms chan was nice to bring it for us. and we haven't paid her back yet. =P
then went jurong point. the train ride there was nice, gossiped and talked. the main purpose was to get edna's wallet. using the 15% wallet shop voucher given by the teachers. but in the end, we went walk walk. as in, edna and me; qianhui and yifang. coz they were like in a daze looking at some singing thing happening on the first floor, me and edna wanted to get our watches. so went went around to look. bought our watches finally, its hei bai pei!! =)) she got black and i got white. then went to look for stuff in some sports shop. i saw a skates bag, cool but its $65. wait till i get to go out with my mum then say. haha. looked around somemore until around 4++ 5. ate ice cream!! its been a long time since i ate ice-cream. that feeling of having time to just walk about with ppl and friends is so heavenly.

then mrt-ed home, edna went to tampines. and i felt lonely! HAHA. edna!! ostrich me!! lol, just felt invisible there and then. edna you know it! =)) shh, bu neng shuo de mi mi. then i slept all the way home. it was just silence for me. nvm, maybe i'm used to it. edna, today's just so weird. weird after we bought our watches. . . .

today is teacher's day celebration. happy teacher's day to all the teachers. including seniors and blah blah. haha. watched the performance by students at the third floor outside the library. yf qh and edna became lazy after while! HA, they went to sit down. left me alone standing. so ps right. grrr, nvm i got danhui! =))) and i saw INVISIBLE! nahh, she too busy playing with her wasp! hahaha.

the performances was errrrm, okkay?? ya, amk-got-talent, errrrr the title sounds abit wrong. hahah. ppl, if u don't get what i mean, its okkay. =)) and i pulled ah ma to pei me go to that window. i know i'm evil. hahahaha. but i missed the feeling . aha. again, its 2 more months. i will wait ... wait and wait. but.........as what invisible said, what if we don't talk?? what if words don't come out? oh mans, i fear the cold silence la. sometimes things will happen like that one. and are we using the SEA as an excuse not to divulge any other thing about our life now? what if the SEA day never comes?! invisible!! i dread to think of the thought that what if that day never comes?! i hope this bond will last forever-and a day.

graduants flocked to our sch and made our sch become so 'lively' all of a sudden. and ex-madms like jocelyn, fionne, joanne, jiawen, fangwei came. they are scary i swear!! like what qh said, even though they smile and laugh like wenjia, (haha, no offence) they look scary, they really do. i bet they forgot us le . they came into the RC room, and started making a din. wahh before that rc room is silent one lo, except for the occasional conversation that occurs between the sec 3 ncos. then they come, and started talking abt jc/poly life. and which sch got what shuai ge and mei nu. the sec 3 ncos were like 'UHH?? and give that -.- face'. really like bit***s lo. as in, the way they talk is CMI. yf was so FREAKED out that she escaped from the room. cruelly leaving behind me and yinyin. hais hais hais. haha. then had netball interhouse finals. INTEGRITY you all did a great jobb! they emerged champions again! pro right, of course, coz we have the pro netballers all in our class. ppl like cynthia, theora, caryn, eunice, suria and i forgot who. ahah. integrity just rock la! 2/2'o6. miss everyone and everything.

then after that had to wait for ms chan to print evac notes for us. we wait and wait, until 1++. like omg la. then went kbox, edna qh yf sam and me. long time since we had time to unwind and destress. qh yf and edna were singing chinese songs all the way, so sam and me decided to book another room. we're weird right. haha i know. and we pay like double what they paid. sam had her emo time la, then she slept. ke ai hor!! book a room just to let her sleep . ahah. and we coincidentally saw joanne when we went to the toilet. then as we were abt to leave the toilet, yf came into the toilet. and when she saw joanne, woahh, her reaction, as if saw something she is not supposed to see like that. then as me and sam were abt to leave, we saw joanne leaving too. so COINCIDENTAL!!! omg, we have so much fate! haha, and joanne claims that we followed her.

and i went home for piano, i was practically sleeping while playing the piano. and keep playing wrong notes. and the teacher became abit pissed off with me. heh! i'm tired okkay. =DD

nothing much today actually, its just, another day. our cold war is still on yeahh??

that window. just that no one is there. will that happen when next year comes and they have left?? oh mans, i'm so dead. what do i do next year???!

sec 1s aop today. grrrr! talked so much dunno whether got knock any sense into them anot. they're a cute little bunch of kiddos la, haven't grown up yet.


sad-ded la, but as we said, we won't give up on u guys! no matter wad, ahh ya. another lecture u all may think, but these are learning processes ! ha! i'm preaching again. when speaking to them just now, i thought back of our past, the memories in redcross youth AMKSS. everything that we had gone through, hardships and the feelings. when tears gush out. when emotions are hard to control. when everything seems like it just comes to a standstill. when you can hear your own heartbeating. when you are clear-minded for just one second. when you remembered.

interestingly, amidst all the scoldings and the lecture, i could for once really hear myself, and feel myself re-tracing the footsteps i once walked. it felt so real, and all i could think was how lost i felt. the dependence brought us down real hard. when we realised, no - they cannot be the ones there for us anymore.

BODOH la, why am i typing this. yilin ahh yilin, when will u learn to wake up ahh! life's not just about the past leh. omg, i need to bring myself out of the past and to live the present. i must constantly remind myself i'm no longer a cadet. no longer someone to take commands and orders. i'm now someone who gives them. which so suck. grrrrr. cadets, please cherish ur cadet life ! coz it won't last long. 2 yrs pass very very fast.


sec 3 is complicated. friendships. relationships. cca. studies. which one to prioritise? which one to do first? how to balance? how to handle it properly? wahh i need a counsellor! haha! jkjk. must go find the wad.. ms joti? haha. nahh no way i'll see a counsellor! i'll just kill myself man.


and and,
she finally received it. cool heh, i waited damn long just to give it to her. ha! i'm courageous can! jk.


and and and!
O lvls end in NOVEMBER! invisible, i wait till i die la!!! omg, why so long!!!!! =((((((((( i thought this yr should end early?! nvm, i'll be waiting for u to dunk me in the sea! AHAH.

wahh, okkay fine. our first ever arguement. cool heh. i dont' know. should i be the one apologising? or should it be him?


okkay look, i'm sorry u had to spend so much money on that, but heyy, whatever okkay? sorry for us not being normal, okkay? ya and sorry for everything uhh? its all my fault, happy?


i don't know if this would be the end. maybe, maybe not? grrr fine. i'm confused.

an interesting conversation that occurred during morning assembly this morning. today maths test ma, then everyonee is being guai kia. study and mug..then tancheesiong got hold of the microphone, and started his long naggy talks.

tancheesiong: 'amksians, please may i have ur attention. eyeball contact, blah blah......'

an amksian: 'ehh u got amaths textbook? can lend?'

so diao la. that tcs everytime like that one. what shit abt eyeball contact. and when he realised that no one was giving him eyeball contact, he said: 'well i can see amksians are hardworking, even as i'm speaking, they are mugging really hard.'

its lololololol la. fine anyway, today after school was kuku time for me. sat at 226 for a damn long time. ate and chatted with qh and edna. cool right, ya where's yf??? she's bein' a guai kia staying at school to lend first aid kit to sec 1s. SO NICE RIGHT!!!!! bleahhhhh as if, haha jkjk. returned back to sch only after we shuang. these past few weeks have been very much tied down with sch ndp'o7 and first aid competition. academics are also one big problem. i have been passing my subjects, but only average. gosh, must must must mug harder. where's my motivation??
and ya, once we're back in the RC room, its slacker's time. me and yf went kuku liao. and then the BIG TIME IMH occupant arrived. presenting - kee wenjia. ya la, she just finished her prelims, oral i think. then the RC room became some institute of mental health room for serious cases of mental disorder patients. uhhh, exaggerating huh, but really and serioulsy, yes. coz we were playing with the bear bear, and yf kept kissing it! AWWW, where's pinliang?!! ahaha,,she's so gonna kill me. finally left at around 6.

i'm being a stubborn and naughty girl by not wanting to put my BIG name one cat seah's autograph book. heyyyy i haven't wrote in autograph books for like 3 yrs..time just really flies. and yeahh, i keep on saying about what she hate me i hate her thing, got my dear edna a wee bit pissed, ehh? i don't know. and i promised to write 5 lines in her book tmr as an apology or what for not writing it today.


anyway, currently its raining. i just love it when it rains. when the raindrops come in. It's on rainy days that i start to think. the smell of rain, fresh. the sound of the water droplets, the feel of the weather. it all blends in perfectly, all on a rainy night.

i borrowed her blazer home today, and wait, i'm not like yunchao or ***** okkay, i'm not that sick, nor perverted. okkay. i just wanna play with it, coz i nvr had a blazer before. i want a blazer! ha!

and i have been diverting from topic to topic. confusion, i don't know. somehow my mind works in a disfunctional way. its been corrupted, data destroyed. i can only remember sad memories. thinking of only the negatives. some part of the brain is broken down, the other parts still hanging halfway. containing all the stuff, broken up into pieces. memories recollected, yet only the bad ones. emo? elmo la. okkay that's it. i hate being emo. or being named emo. i slap u then u know ahh. ha.


oh and i've been feeling very tired recently, slept in the bus hugging the blazer. so comfortable, coz i love bus rides. alone. i want a never ending bus ride. the road goes on and on .

okkay fine, the crap abt us losing is fake, including wad yifang said abt some lousy neighbourhood sch winning and blah blah. okkay, we achieved 1st runner up in north district and top 5 in nationals. yifang got best theory. its cool huh. red cross NCOs o7/o8 rock okkay, its really something to be proud of. a good start, even though we lost to evergreen by 3 marks to clinch the 2nd runner up in north district for CAC. don't worry NCOs, we'll do even better yeahh! and keep our promise of bringing RC to greater heights! this way, we won't let down our past and present ma'ams.

anyway, it was still a sad case that we din get to go present our award to mr tan today, all because of the rain. the 7 of us, which means the first aid team, 2 casualties and 1 reserve had to get up much earlier just to get to sch early, damn. and it rained. nvm, it doesn't really matter la. we just wanted to see the reaction of those who kan bu qi wo men !! HAHA. jkjk.


and so, because i lost around 30 mins of sleep, i was lethargic the whole day..looking like some zombie and refusing to open my eyes. some mechanism inside just keeps taunting the eyelids to close. yet somehow, when recess is here, i'm just so wide awake. weird huh.

today's recess was fun in a way. coz ahma and i were strolling around, and talking. which we haven't done for in ages. then sat on the chairs outside the toilet, and me remembering what sam had said, which is 'sitting outside the toilets make us look like some lao ticko, waiting to see what ppl are doing in the toilet' . sick la. but uhh no, that's not why we planted our butts on the chairs there. main point is, i said i would be at that window, and i was. i never broke my promise. =))))))))))))) and i heard her call zhuai kia again. weird right, ehh i thought i would nvr hear that again. and and, that dearest overgrown fern has apparently been chopped off. AWWW i feel sad!


and ya, good luck to all those taking prelims! take caree also! =)

it wasnt ours. it just wasn't.

FAC, we lost. okkay ya, even though its nothing to blog abt. but really wanna say that every single one of us put in our best effort okkay. for 2 weeks approximately, everyday was chiong dao siao. like qh said, just to get a COP?! certificate of participation?! we let ourselves down and all those who believed in us down.


so what if we teared, and xia suay-ed in front of others. our goal, 2nd runner up in just NORTH district. its still so far away. why can't we just do it?! for once. just to make everyone proud. damn. what the hell. blehh.

the only thing that is damn funny is, i tore away my poor casualty's shirt. sad case right? in front of everyone. and actually i meant to be si wen, and properly cut away the shirt with a scissors. but then, the stupid commentator said 'ONE minute left!!!' and we were short of 2 bandages. so i tore the guy's shirt, like a crazy woman, and used it as bandages. blehhhhhhhh it was a stupid move. and very xia suay. i heard everyone was talking abt it. SHHHHH.


anyway, before the commentator even mentioned the sch's names to go and get C-O-P, i was already tearing, can u imagine, while alvin sir was smiling. as if we got something like that. damn la. and when edna returned with the certificates...i hugged her and cried like a damn big water tap. ahh ya crybaby la. so we went to watch SECRET.


and u know what, i watched the whole show with damn huge big eyes, wondering why the hell everything was happening, coz uh u know, i'm damn slow and i don't GET the plot. in the end, yifang started touching my face like how jay chou touched that girl's face. idiotic right. fine. i only appreciated the piano pieces. the rest, blahh blah, coz i really don't get it. qianhui ended up crying, she really realliiiiiii looked funny when she cries..hahahaha. no offence girl, (i know i will be beaten up for writing this). and so, i went blur blur after the showing, asking everyone, uhh what did the show mean ahh? and yifang mocked at my blurness.. how bad right.

then went home, that's practically our day. just like that. hours and hours of training, just for one day. first aid competition 2007! nvm, sec 2s, rmb what we said ahh.

ps. thank you so much alvin sir
pps. thank you joanne for coming down too. don't u cry anymore. =)

tmr's FAC, 2nd runner up? possible? i don't know. hopefully, good luck ppl. =)

What Hurts The Most - Rascal Flatts

what hurts the most. nice video. the actress and actors are great. heh, jk .

the past few days have been first-aiding all the way. alvin sir's been damn nice to us okkay. he has been coming down to train us in evacuation, theory, bandages and blah blah. stretcher squad commanding oso, which is evacuation silver. cool la. anyway, thank you sir! and also thank you wenjia for all ur encouragement, ehh don't be too discouraged coz u din get DPA, u're smart de! you'll show that poly that not taking u in is their loss!! =)))


finally today, one day of break. went to central mac for lunch. its been a real long time since we all sat down for lunch already. so ate and chatted about alot of stuffs. saw GG's ex ma'am weiling and jolene. then qh went kuku, talking abt stuff which seems to have no link with what we are supposed to do, which is study for first aid theory. and yeahh, even though no link, she said she was serious. can see that too, don't think too much okkay. and the qiao qiao hua wasn't something bad. don't worry ehh.


and today, because of last night's conversation till almost over midnight with sam. sorry i din reply le...anyway about the past. memories..where we would be shy whenever we see our seniors...blush? esp sam...blush until face red dao siao la...and it would be such a thrill to just walk past the 4th floor where all the sec 4s are...we'll be scared. it would be just so nice to see someone whom u admire, whom u respect. all the memories all coming back. hais... and continued today, in mac...how fun, how we yearn for the past now..but its over. now its a complicated life, no longer the innocent one in the past...how we would be happy, and go crazy for the slightest of things..when now, not even the best of things could make us really smile.

3 yrs of friendship with sam, ups and downs together. from cadet life to ncos. leading the unit now, things ain't that simple anymore. how our ma'ams used to tell us that it is much easier to take commands than give them. we never ever dreamt of becoming maams..coz we understood? we were brought up in UG much differently than others, as in REDCROSS cadets..we were brought up much differently, it was tough, looking at the miserable number. and also how we were taughted and trained. always prepared for the worst, that was our ma'ams way of teaching us, grooming us into very much strong personnels, everything for NOW. for our nco life. ahhhh, why am i talking abt cca again. sidetracked always to cca. does it really influence me?? ahh now back to the topic, even though there isn't really one except for the past thingy, which to others who don't understand will say its boring.


woooo, so much crap again. grrrr. anyway, got back test papers..results are average. must work harder la...and that YIFANG ahh!! hahaha..get so high liao still complain not good. wad u wan ahh girl? u want the sky?? lol. oh and first aid competitions are on the 18 of august, its at shu qun secondary in jurong if i'm not wrong. and wenjia can't go. anyway, good luck all the first aiders! =))

and more pictures. thanks ppl.

and i'm back, finally. genting was okkay. e hotel room was big, cool place. and yeahh, back to ndp.

our slow march. heh, me and sam. coordinated? i don't know but i got a video. cool heh, in the video we looked coordinated, but we feel not. cock up seh. the first step i took, disaster. nvm. then our pandan kekenan and kehadapan. wow, did i sound like a duck? heh, i hope not. but aye, ndp's over. this year we din cry. coz we did our best! i hope my dearest cadets did too! wanna praise you all, coz ur drills were not bad. see, if you tried hard enough, you will be able to do it! and even though we got last for hentakaki, don't be disheartened ppl. we tried. we shall try harder next time okkay!

and for some pics, i don't have many, since all is using other ppl de camera.

yingxin and i

zhanhong and i

evelyn and i, i'm too lazy to open my mouth. inside got gold bars.

ncc air USM and i. hais, height difference. =((

yongbang and i! npcc top 2, sorry yb, i don't know u are which post. paiseh. =p

wad is ks doing? spoiling our photo ehh, always the one to dao luan. haha. jkjk.

finally, 22o6, but we're not looking at the correct camera.

finally. we're looking at the camera!

me and ks. he has to bend down to suit my height. so sad. =((

julian, ds, yx and me (land guys jiu zhuai la! haha)

this is one of the nicest shots, though where the ppl stand have to be re-arranged. hahah. jkjk.

ks and qh. ooo.

yx and ds. ooo too.

wqj, land USM and me. we're both zhuai kias!

and FINALLY, red cross NCOs o7!! from left to right, qianhui, vanessa, yifang, yinyin, edna and me. finally one nice shot of the 6 of us! way to go ncos! we shall bring our unit to greater heights!

thanks to the ppl who were there for me. for those who had not, those who told on me for something i myself know i did not do, those who do not believe me, i don't blame u, coz we don't trust. anyway, thanks to those who don't believe too, i can finally understand how *** and ** feel.


i shall just let time pass, hoping it will heal everything.

and oh ya, i felt the need to blog about yesterday, thursday. during chinese lesson! LAURA was ddamn cute man! yes she is! abit slow, but nonetheless, damn cute! and chinese lesson 2 period was slack, a very good catching up session with edna! yay. finally one day to really talk about things. so interesting! love u girl!


and am i evil?

my stare is scary? uhh. haish! today's a bad day.
emo. emo. emo and more emo. i was the first. emo-ed liao, then subsequently everyone else followed. weirdd huh, 6 ppl cried today. and hugging was seen everywhere. isit my fault? i think i started the crying thing.

i'm sorry ***, i din mean for all these understandings to happen. though i was pissed at first, as it was embarrassing, but yeahh after vented it out , on newspapers and after the numerous hugs, i felt better. hope u are fine now, you've vented everything out already right?

anyway, thanks ppl, thank you edna, caryn, yingxin, yifang and wangkee for all the hugs. love you ppl!

ehh, i shouldn't go as low as this hor, idiot me.

u better watch it. i really think we have been too nice, either that or u still can't adapt to our major change. i wish to think it is the 2nd option. do u know how u have been behaving? trying to protect u is no use. okkay, u have done so much wrong, unpardonable for ppl in UG. which cadet would dare to talk back to madms like u did? u tell me, who? when u're a madm, u'll understand, u can only wish that ur future cadets aren't like you, seriously. how come u're so different from us? whatever shit we get in the past, endure, endure endure! now leh? slack, slack slack. what do u want me to say? i absolutely have nothing more to say. so u mean that when u're bu shuang, u can scold us, rebutt us la, den happy or shuang that time then say sorry. sorry, got use? we're not ur friends, even if we are, is that the way to talk back to us? crap! okkay, maybe should let u have the taste of real interview, aop. scoldings and tekan! u'll understand then.