i'm not petty, i'm not angry. i'm trying to cool down. sucks la.
i know its hard to adapt, but don't i deserve that tiny little bit of basic respect? just that little bit, is it too much to ask for? when it was their turn, we din even dare to just do that la, gosh. i don't know why i so bu shuang. damnit la. i don't want to get angry over such small matters, and ppl will call me unreasonable. i don't even do that, how come u all can? what the hell is wrong with me, i ate gunpowder. damnit.

i miss my phone, gosh, i had like 900++ msgs inside, yet the singtel ppl wanna reset my phone. darn! gosh, only can save 30 msgs. i very very VERY VERY XIN TONG OKKAY! i want my phone!! its now servicing, can't message. =((

i don't feel good. i don't know why..i only know i feel crappy. i feel invisible. i think i really think too highly of *it*. maybe it was just wrong. yeahh..what you said makes sense..i finally get it now. i finally understand why you told me all that. i guess things were meant to be like this? and god wants to make my life miserable. or maybe he's testing my endurance. whatever, i'll endure.

i can't! i really can't. i'm so confused. as to what i should do. i'm really sorry, i don't mean for things to be like that.


sandwiched in between.

u cared, you made a difference.

he's gonna be a great leader. we can't hold a candle to them, and i can't hold a candle to him. he's full of potential and confidence, while i'm just nothing. he is a real leader. someone who can lead with pride. lead his unit to greater heights. he can instill the discipline, make cadets respect him. do as he says but not out of fear. i can't, i just can't. everyone can see. they are so much better. they have so much more ppl. they have many more ppl who feel for their cca. who bother to put in the effort. they always win awards, make their seniors proud and happy. they're the best in UG. like we once were? yeahh..like we once were. but now, not anymore. we lack discipline, sense of urgency, commitment, respect, sense of pride, confidence. how..she wans me to talk with confidence, do things with confidence and walk with confidence. when i don't even have enough confidence to talk. i'll try. but i know trying is not enough. doing well is. but sometimes, things are easier said than done. why, i wonder why.

replies to taggs.


sam: wahh..so coincidence..i come back then u go malaysia. haha..go on the search for rings uhh!! hahah


yingxin: haha..its okkay la..not something u did wrong. hahah


hamtaro: i'll tell u sometime..but u must believe me!!! hahaha..wad..sept 1st 2005..i wrote something wrong?!! hahahahhahaha


moomoo: its okkay!! yeap i'm back. hahahaha


yifang: I MISS U TOO!!!! i'm back already!! i miss u loads!!!!!

congrats to the NCC air sec 3s.

USM-szeann
ASM-jinzhi
part c ps-zhanhong
part b ps-kaisheng
part a ps-junli

i think. haha

anyway..congrats ppl. espp KAISHENG. really happy he got that post. zhanhong oso!! congrats didi. you've got it. =))


good luck ppl..its ur turn to run the unit..make sure u all do ur best!!=))

okkay okkay!! to stop SIR FROM SOBBING, HE STILL ROCKS MY WORLD okkay!!

BLUFFING SIR IS SO DARN FUN. maybe not..when he kills me.

finally!!! i did it..changed to this darn blogskin which took me afew hours just to change it. coz got alot of problems with the spacing and blah..finally done. awww..isn't the boy CUTE!! i think so lor..super duper cute. haha. kkay..that's all. cya ppl.

okkay okkay!! horses are seriously scary. i'm so scared..after today's incident of almost falling off my horse on the hills up in the forests..don't try it alone. haha. its because my horse slipped..coz of the wet and slippery muddy roads. i'm not blaming the weather kkay..anyway...so so so bored. no one tagged.=((


btw..qianhui and yifang are BACK FROM ULP!!! like finally!! haha..heard it was fun....they cried somemore..at the debrief..when in our OWN POP, no one cried? hahaha. we din even hug. while cadets from diferent schools in the ULP had their arms all over each other. crying coz of everything they went through together during camp. all the hardships..and the sweat.. gosh. nvm..haha. congrats for surviving 3 days without much sleep!! and take care qianhui!!

i'm coming back in 2 to 3 days time. great. nz's such a nice place to be ..but well...i guess singapore's better..coz will have heartache when u think of ppl you miss. lol. haha.

anyway..HAPPY BIRTHDAY anna. i don't know if i'll be able to get on and move along. haha. but no matter wad..thanks.

should i give up?? no, or rather, should i quit?? i hate it, things just go so wrong. i don't know how. no one understands...i don't understand it myself. i've waited so long, in hope that things could be how it was in the past. but it din work. i can't believe i cried so many times. its so stupid.

congrats ppl for surviving cugc. esp sec1s. really proud of u ppl. haha..even though its tiring, but u all endured. and its a new learning experience hoh. argh...congrats to the sec3s too..heard the camp was a success. =)) anyway, take care ppl.

You Are 56% Peaceful

In general, you think the world's a pretty great place - and you're happy to be a part of it. Sometimes you struggle with life, but who doesn't? You are quite level headed, though you have more inner angst than you'd like.

How Peaceful Are You?

You Should Drive a Silver Car

You're the type of driver who doesn't really pay attention to other cars on the road. You are calm, focused, and clear headed. Driving is simply a task for you. And you aren't one to be too fussy about what you drive. Basing your status on a car is a little beneath you.

What Color Car Should You Drive?

Your Holiday Stress Level is Moderate

The holidays sometimes stress you out, but mostly because they wear you down. Take it easy! You can have a fun holiday without running yourself ragged.

What's Your Holiday Stress Level?

You Are 68% Happy

You are a very happy person. Generally, you feel content and that all is right with the world. Occasionally, you have a down day - but you have the ability to pick yourself right back up.

How Happy Are You?

Your Japanese Name Is...

Ritsuko Jimyoin

What's your Japanese Name?

You Are 36% Girly

You are a pretty hardcore tomboy, and a very free spirit. Gender roles be dammed, you like to do things your way.

How Girly Are You?

You Are 57% Grown Up, 43% Kid

You've grown up a good bit, but you still have a way to go before you're emotionally mature. You have the skills to control your emotions, you just have to use them.

How Emotionally Mature Are You?

Your Scholastic Strength Is Deep Thinking

You aren't afraid to delve head first into a difficult subject, with mastery as your goal. You are talented at adapting, motivating others, managing resources, and analyzing risk. You should major in: Philosophy Music Theology Art History Foreign language

What Should You Major In?

You Are Pretty Happy

You generally have a happy, fulfilling life. But things could be a little better, and deep down, you know it. Maybe you need more supportive friends or a more challenging career. Something is preventing you from being totally happy. You just need to figure out what it is!

How Happy Are You, Really?

You Are 36% Control Freak

You have achieved the perfect balance of control and letting go. You tend to roll with whatever life brings, but you never get complacent.

Are You A Control Freak?

You Don't Have a Boyfriend Because You are Too Shy

When a guy gets to know you, he finds a great catch Problem is... you're too shy for most guys to get to know. From meeting someone to dating, you usually have your guard up. And while you're just holding back, it makes you seem like you've got something to hide.

Why Don't You Have a Boyfriend?

You Are Somewhat Logical

Ok, so didn't get the majority of questions right But you did answer some pretty tough questions correctly Logic may not be your strong point, but you hold your own!

How Logical Are You?

You Are 60% Psychic

You are pretty psychic. While you aren't Miss Cleo, you've got a little ESP going on. And although you're sometimes off on your predictions... You're more often right than wrong So go with your instincts - you know more than you think

Are You Psychic?

Your True Love Is a Cancer

Why you'll love a Cancer: Cancer's loyal and sincere heart makes your own sensitive heart melt. Caring and devoted, a Cancer will take the lead in pursuing you - and not give up! Why a Cancer will love you: You're laid back enough to deal with Cancer's little mood swings and freak-outs. A fellow homebody, you know how make Cancer comfortable and at home with you.

What Sign Is Your True Love?

yo all peeps. blogging from nz now. cool right?? how pro is the internet system. hah. anyway, the flight was abt 10++ hours. its damn cold here, winter mah. and i miss everyone so much. and i wanna go CUGC!!! damn it! haha. anyway, in nz, theres a time difference of 4 hours, excluding daylight savings. blah. if its 12pm here in nz, its only 8am in spore. hah. so its like very difficult to get to talk to ppl through msn, coz of the time . sian.


and ppl!! can i know when's the next trng, so i won't be like an idiot. and dunno when got trng. thanks. hahaha. actually, i just crapping. coz i can't find a topic to write abt.


i wonder....have you received my email?? haish. i don't know. i wanna tell you that i miss you. miss you all. and all those times. i think you won't remember, but i definitely do. i don't know why, i'm listening to her more. i don't know why i trust her. haha. ,maybe wad she says make sense. well, i miss that chance again. to go cugc, to see them. hope theres more chances coming up. can we have another gathering????? arhh, i'm thinking the impossible again. shucks. i shouldn't think abt it anymore. haha. cya ppl, to the lovely few who do come.

leaving for nz in a few hours. going to miss CUGC, and maybe the first trng as an nco. i wanna go for cugc, i have missed last yr's one and i'm gonna miss this one too?! argh. damn. anyway, jiayous to yf and qh who have been very stressed up for their ulp. heard qh passed her theory test and got highest in her group. congrats girl! anyway, good luck to edna and juliana in ndp too. cool leh, i oso wanna go, march at marina in water. so fun. and for cac, i think we'll have to work extra hard, to complete our reports soon. jiayou everyone! we can make it. achieve wad we want!

what happened?? unexpected outcome of yesterday. i guess there were too many ppl..then no atmosphere. haha. anyway. the parade and farewell party all was a disaster. argh, my plan did fail. sian!! the video was funny, i dunno why i included the graduants photos. haha. somehow, there was just not much feelings yesterday. ALL BECAUSE OF *********. argh..haha. joking la, no offence.





received the sergeant rank. so cool. receive certs from the NCOs, received their letters and messages. its very touching okkay, especially the chairperson's one. haha. it felt so weird, coz no one cried. yahh. when i expected that at least half of the ppl there would. the famous cry-ers which is edna and me, din even cry la! haha. but then hor, after the whole thing, then i dunno why i cried. gosh. i think i'm weird. it just felt weird, to push that key, into the hole, and unlock it. i don't know, just felt like i'm not ready. i guess i'm still not up to it.





after graduants,NCOs and YOs left, then we the cadets left. we went mos burger at amk hub. ate and blahblah. walked around, then yf and edna left. juliana, koonie, sam and me then bus-ed to amk library. don't know why we ended up there. maybe just to sit and talk. left around 6.

today seems like just another day. really upset coz mission not accomplished. damn. nvm.





anyway, just wanna thank her, these past few years, she has always been there to encourage me. to give me advice, and help me. i don't know how to thank you enough. i know i have been a disappointment to you sometimes, but hopefully you can forgive me. i'll still try my best though.
and because i din really get to say wad i wanted to say to u, i've wrote it through email, hope u read it.

ask urself if u have spent enough time with them, to nurture them, treat them like ur own. whether u'll feel happy when u see them do well, whether u feel sad when they disappoint u. whether u feel proud of them when they win in events.


yes, i said. and in your mind, you recalled. you did cry because u din lead them well for NDPo6. at least you felt something. there's a start. u did feel for them. why din ours feel for us?


i feel sad, hurt , we put in the effort to try our best. to do well in parades. did u feel proud of us? this is not the first time i'm blogging about this. i just can't get over it. someone tells me. [WE won't give up on YOU ALL. because if we give up on you all, we're throwing ourselves in. WE giving ourselves up. because YOU ALL are our precious darlings. OUR future hope. WE must nvr give in no matter how much YOU ALL disappoint us. if YOU ALL ever dare to give up on yourselves, WE must try to pull YOU ALL back on course.]


how i wish u all would think this way. i knew that she felt that way, but i don't know abt u all. once the feeling of being lost is there, the trust we give will nvr be that 100% anymore. coz we know that we can never fully rely on u all ever again. [u all held our hands so tightly, and led us into a dark dark tunnel. we were scared, but u all told us not to be afraid, because u were holding our hands. we relaxed a little, because at that moment, we were fully independent on you. whether we fall in the tunnel, it depends on you all. we brought us a little further, but losing the grip. as we walked on, the grip became loser and loser. until a point, suddenly, we lost all contact. because u let go. u know how lost we felt??! we couldn't see!! not a thing, imagine the feeling of being afraid? ready to cry out any moment. do u know?! i guess not. i don't know why u all had chose to let go. ] but it did eat into us. chewed on us. bit a piece off us. our confidence. u made us lose it. it hurt, but we tried to get over it. we're doing better now. we've learnt from that time onwards, to do things ourselves. coz we can no longer rely anymore. independence.


but learn to let go. stay strong. we can do it.

you know something, tmr's the day. what day, just another day? maybe, maybe not. but i know that i'll cry, because i can't let go. i can't let you go!! argh. someone impt . well, i don't say it, i won't. but hopefully you know. ur placing within me. i wonder why everyone knows, everyone can see except you and me. i wonder what's going on, what's wrong. this is stupid, coz its driving me nuts. i haven't prepared my uniform, my boots. the video is still trying to fly over. stuff undone. so many stupid little things, little enough to stick to my brain. how superb is that. my ass la. i'm talking crap. anyway. i don't wish for anything unpleasant to happen tmr. she said, we cannot distort the way things work. but i still hope for a smooth day tmr.


you know, i'm really glad i have the power to leave an impact on her. is it the first time? yeahh, i've nvr really got to know her. she's just some senior from other ug, whom i thought i disliked in the past. but now, its just that our sentiments are much much alike. which makes us live in the ssame dream, or rather nightmare. the hate, anger, love, and all. is all due to how we handle things at the very beginning. don't hate, my dear friend, try to love instead. don't feel alone, because there's many ppl out there who still care. don't cry, because who know's , maybe there's someone out there who loves ur smile. you'll nvr know. ppl don't know how ppl feel. its up to you to tell them. yes, you made a right decision to do something for them, what would have happened if you did not? things would have been much different right?? sometimes, don't take too long to decide on wad to do, if you feel like doing something, just do it. because u won't know wad awaits your decision. well, whatever it is, i'll give u my support.


p.s i don't think you'll read this right? haha.