sorry vanessa, sam, and the others..u guys created that one single chance for me..but i totally ruined it. i seriously want it. but u know..when u have that little heart of urs beating so furiously..if u go out there..ur heart might just break..i can't do it..maybe i'm still not ready. and i don't know why. its so hard for me just to say hi to ____. i guess everyone's had that kinda of feeling before. its normal i guess. just that not everyone shows it. its just that kind of respect and admiration for that person.

i think there's not much time left too. one day they will all leave this school. but there's nth i can do to stop it.

suddenly feel so lonely in this world..everything's crashing down on me. only with the love of those who care for me can make me strong again. its just pure stress. and at the beginning of the year. can't stand wad i see in the classroom 3/3 everyday. and our Red Cross unit. as wad they said..its getting weaker and weaker by the year. how to make it strong again?? with such strength. sometimes i feel...being a cadet forever will be the best. but it will nvr happen. and look at the sec 1s. haish. there's footdrill comp. round the corner. they wan us to get at least bronze..to maintain..or better. u think its that easy?? and studies...they r the most stressful. everyday...she's nagging. getting quite sick of it. den still got piano. haish. practical and theory. i have to pass. emphasis on HAVE. i'm trying u know. trying.. but still have the will to carry on. because i know i must. and i will. that smile..that happy face...is just a front to cover wad's inside. when can i be really happy?? to smile like i used to. to be wad i was last time. those innocent times. and those friendship bonds. i miss them all. i really do.