Fts

Fuck this shit.

No one will fucking understand. Understand how it feels like to have everything and then nothing.

Curiosity kills the cat

We should never compare ourselves should we? It'll only make us feel inferior.

It shouldn't be this way, but I find myself wanting to hear that answer so badly. Just like you want to hear mine.
We wanna know but we're afraid to ask, for fear the answer might be hurtful.

Who doesn't wanna be the best? C'mon, let's face it, everyone does.

28th March 2009
(Post created on 28th March 2009, left unfinished)

W:
Your simplicity is what makes me feel so comfortable when I'm around you. You're innocently-adorable, but not ignorant about matters in most aspects. You may have another side which I'm unaware of, but I believe that this side of you that I see remains dormant most of the time.

....

It's gonna be your 21st birthday party in a few weeks. Damn, we're all growing up so fast.
Do you remember those days we 'hung out' outside your class during recess? (': Those were 'cute times' I'd like to think of them as.

Hope you'll have a great 21st.

Feel so grossed out at myself every time I publish a cliche, emo post

Retarded.

Love, protection, possession

I can feel myself slipping away. Some sort of self-protection maybe? Told myself to do away w protecting the heart, but perhaps its in-born.

Every time that we quarrel I feel myself pulling away, and maybe if you don't hold on tighter, one day I might just slip away.

They say: Love is not possessing.
But I'm not 'they'. Everyone views love in a different light.

It has been so long since..........

I last blogged.

.

.

.

.

.

I last allowed myself to act like a 5 year old child, throwing silly tantrums and all.

I never felt that becoming a Vi was the worst decision in my life, until now.

I really wanted to know if those words you spoke were what you really meant.

No wait, I'm so sick of us, having to act as if we're having a secret affair, and being so ashamed that we can't even mention each other's names out loud without acting like we've committed murder. Fuck. Yeah, actually in some sense, I'm totally the third party. The third party who messed everything up.

This however, only in a friend-friend context.

Yeah, I'm sick of it all.

Coming back to the Vi bit, fuck, sometimes people have to get their facts right first.

Don't be so fucking quick to jump to conclusion can?? I don't feel like I need to explain anything to anyone, but that was the last straw.

I know. I'm useless. I don't contribute. What the fuck am I a Vi for then right?

What the fuck. Do you all have any idea what Vi means? It means Volunteer Instructor. VOLUNTEER right? It doesn't mean I have to slog my ass out for it. I volunteer my time. I volunteer my expertise. I volunteer to help out. Is it that hard to fucking understand?

Back then,

70% - Reluctant

30% - I should just do it, since I've been in RC for my whole life

Then people made the percentages change.

'Aiya, just join lah, if you don't like or got no time, later then say. You can MIA one what, just join lah. Join lah. Okay? '

'Fucking not okay' is what I should have said back then. Damn stupid. I feel damn stupid now.

'How to quit ah?'

& with regards to additions on my body, does that make me any different from who I am? I am still the same fucking person all of you know. What's so hard to accept? You knew me first before my additions. YOU KNEW me FIRST.

I really don't know why I'm feeling what I'm feeling right now. Its like, the sudden emptiness; a huge hole that I've been sucked into temporarily.

It's been a real long time since I felt this way, not to mention, I don't really like this feeling.

I kinda wish that there's something I can hold onto right now, maybe someone? Or something? Anything. There used to be people I could call straightaway - hence erasing this feeling totally, now, I'm not sure. Everyone seems to be caught up in their own lives - which IS of course, the correct way. Things change, & people move on. But then sometimes, I just want to stand still. Will there be anyone left in my radius?

"Sometimes I try so hard, but all I get is rejection from you. I give up, okay?"

I say this to myself everytime things do not work out, but I have never given up. And thing is, most of the time, I don't know what I've done wrong.

Now: Fine, suit yourself. I'm not going to be the only one that is giving. You have to do your part for things to work. But know that I'll still be here, as I always foolishly am.

My new obsession. Macarons, not MacaroOns. :D

Having said that, I am aware of the love I'm still showered with by my family and friends (fivesome&allwhocelebratedmybdaywithmetoday). It was a wonderful birthday this year, though miles apart from the one I had in sec 3 though I foolishly returned a present that I had not even taken a glance at. My family brought me to Swensens for ice-cream buffet, & friends celebrated for me at Marina Barrage. A happy 17th, and I have lots of people to thank for their bday wishes. Its not gonna be a public mention, but I definitely have all your names remembered.

Thanks again, fivesome, for setting the sky-high benchmark with regards to what friendship could be. Though we seem to be drifting, I'm glad that we still take each others special day into serious consideration. If its possible, I'd like to be there for everyone of you, just like how you've been there for me.

Could you let me into your world again? Like how you did when we were in sec 1?
& could we be what we used to be, in sec 3? When we indulged in playful abandon?

I remember, it was not long ago that I still had the burning passion to blog. Though I sieved my words thoroughly before publishing a post, at least I knew I had put down my words somewhere. But now, I don't get the feeling to blog anymore. Because life is just life. When I wake up in the morning, I have nothing to look forward to - nothing.

In Amkss, I would spring out of bed whenever I had to wake up earlier for RC related stuffs, no matter how tired I was. In Ijc, I would get out of bed enthusiastically for the thought of friends kept me going, despite the dreadful lessons and ahem, teachers.

Now in SP, though I have more freedom, and am in the course I tried so hard to get in for, life feels empty. For the people whom I have met, can never be compared to those of previous months and years. Say perhaps its because I am afterall in, a drama course, & drama ppl tend to be different from others, in the sense that everything to them, is but drama. Life's drama. We are the actors. That is why, I don't get to see the real 'them'. They are actors, they act. I don't know when to trust, nor who to trust. How I miss 0924A, where everyone is real. Everyone is sensitive; I feel comfortable with them. They give me everything that I can offer them in return. But its now gone; then I ask myself, if I had made the right decision to leave?

Words can't express how much I miss them, and neither can miles, the distance we have already drifted. I am sad, but things are what they are now b'cus of the decisions I made. Its no one's fault; just a cruel joke heaven plays occassionally for humour. I don't wish to sound pathetic, but every day of my poly life I tell myself, "Tmr'll be a better day". Who am I trying to kid?

Claire's dealt me a big blow. I feel dumb because I do not know how to rebutt her sacarsm. I don't deny that she makes me feel small, I'm just mad as I'm not able to protect myself in a sacarstic return. What terrible shame, that I left her step all over me, flattening me into nothing more than a pancake; whilst I wasted precious seconds trying to process her sacarsm. Shame.

"I wish... the world was full of pink bunny rabbits."

I felt proud, ecstatic even to watch you girls take over. Ask me why, when it should by right no longer matter because I'm just a senior. But I couldn't; couldn't just let this moment sink in, nor the reality that I became a senior a year ago. My thoughts were just hauled away to the times when we had so much laughter, & tears- in the past. Was it just me, who foolishly still remembers these memories?

Memories of you girls holding coke bottles running after us, till you got caught; & the last trng before our POP when Qh & I ran away, you girls gave chase when we thought you wouldn't; & the time we went to sumo house then to mine, those kept playing in my mind, exactly what I told you; cause you asked, you bothered & cared. Then the KFC visits? Were we the only ones who remembered? How we made so much noise, oblivious to the other customers, playing amongst ourselves?

& most recently when you 2 came over for 'PT', again, was I the only who remembers? It was the growing process, the metamorphosis like caterpillar to butterfly; those good & bad times that we got over together that I cherish so much, unable to let go. I hate myself for not letting go. I want to forget, to move on like how everyone else does. But it just wasn't in me to forget, & it isn't in me now nor in the future to forget. Whilst standing where I was yesterday, my eyes inadvertently marked out the routes we took to run away from you girls, as well as the places in this beloved school that means so much. Tell me I'm mad, tell me I'm crazy; but I was just reminiscing, you can't blame me for that. It felt so good after my episode, I felt relieved; relieved that I have let everything out, though the memories still stays crystal clear in my messed-up brain, I promise to try not to let them hurt anymore.

AWW, sorry blog, for abandoning you! (:
Well, I'm back. Hmm, though its random but I do want to post about IJ.
A few nights ago, whilst lying in bed, thoughts of IJ just flashed by. Like literally!
I could see every part of IJ crytal-clearly.

I pictured the hall, the staircases, the bookshop, the canteen, the LTs, the field, the route I took with Xx on the first day of school, the route I took when I got locked out of both side gates, the toilet where Laysee & I ran to to hide from the water bombs. The classrooms, & how I panicked when I couldn't find the class I was supposed to go to on the first day of school yet had no classmate's number..The library; the horrid room where we did our GP podcast, where we had minor fights over laptop issues & got scolded by Ms Maxine.

& of course, CCA day, when we went to the DJ room for the first time, in the library. The first time I met you, your warm touch as you led me to look for JinXiang, the !@#$% guy who attacked Laysee & I in the FEMALE bathroom! Then coincidentally you were Pizza's GL, & you remembered me from CCA day! I was elated. I interviewed & got into exco, like you. Acquaintances; but it was meant to be more, just that I left.

Then there was the huge LT, where we had Maths and Chinese & the LT we go to for Lit.
Gosh, & the piano, at the backstage of the hall and the gallery where we witnessed the receiving of A lvl Chinese results. She cried buckets of joyous tears for her A; silently we cried together with her. Also not forgetting the Bio classroom, where I spent half the time dozing off in the afternoon heat to the lull of Ms Malini's words. Beside it was the track, where we had PE & we would run together. Lily! (: The high jumps and the long jumps, with the cool Ms Agnes:D & horrible Ms AshleyD:

& outside the staffroom, CALVIN & YB.(aww, I miss you CALVIN!:D) & it was where we used to have Econs test with Ms Tan Tong Yin. Now she's also left IJ...to further her studies I think.

Everything's changed, perhaps only Syanni's laughter remains? LOL, its contagious. But I miss it, miss them. However all its gonna be is a distant memory, fading as time goes...

Freak. I realised I haven't blogged since Poly started. Well y'know, life has been so awesome cause of the timetable and the friends(: woohoo! Imagine how I'd be slogging my guts out if I were still in IJC;D Haha, but of course there are still things/people I miss in IJC luh.

However, lessons in poly are difficult, especially drama and voice. When almost everyone else in your class has drama background and you don't, it is inevitable that you'd freak out; well, just a little bit. Words of encouragement came pouring in after the first Claire Devine's lesson on voice; like how it takes time to build up on your confidence during public speaking, and how they'd help me pull through. Aww, so sweet(:

I'm now into week 2 of school, & definitely enjoying Hans Lee's classes on introduction to Psychology. It is tough lugging my 2kg laptop as well as the equally heavy Psychology textbook to school a few days of the week, but scarily, I am thankful for the free muscle-toning exercise.

Oh &&, it is interesting how there are jamming studios, karaoke rooms, cafes, gyms, swimming pools, 6 foodcourts and tons of other facilities open for us to use. Envision the huge campus; walking from CASS to perhaps, CLS, could be 1.6km? Haha, I don't know if I'm exaggerating, but in short, it would be considered exercise to walk from east to west of the campus. Cool huh, so not. That's because of the current temperature changes which produces sweltering heat waves and leaves everyone feeling annoyed.

Okay, uhhm, digressing, I hope I can meet up with the 4 soon. Its been a loooooooooong time alr.

&&& I shall continue with my journals. Cya.(:

Its ironic how I miss them even though I've interacted with them only for a day during NMA camp. I'm glad I didn't skip camp to go for Barrie's b'day though I missed out on some fun; & Barrie, your present's still with me!

When will I get to see you again??

Y'know what, I very much feel like crap now as well, not to mention, on the verge of pathetic tears. Dang. Please ask me why I've become such an asshole, or to a large extent, an insecure freak since I've left school. Truthfully, I really don't know why; which sucks.


I've come to realise I'm getting distant from the things or people I'm so used to. Its was my wont to just type out a message and send it to ____ without reviewing it. But now, I review my message 2 or 3 times before sending it out. It was my wont to ask anything, personal or whatever to ________ anytime, and get an honest & prompt reply. Now, I don't dare to anymore. There's so much more that I'm used to...but much more that I'll have to get used to as people have changed.

That feeling, it is incessantly lingering in my gut. Like a benign tumour; its not detrimental, however it just gallingly causes a significant amount of pain. Ouch. Ooh well, I guess that's how I feel now.

And and, I'm not being 'emo' okay. I'm just, uhhh, exasperated.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54c-BAZ3MOo

PLEASE VIEW!! It is an excellent video, definitely worth your 5 minutes.

Great job you girls. You did yourselves proud, as well as the whole unit proud. Champion is what you deserve. (:

Kinda depressed at like, 1 am. Why? Cause I feel disregarded. Perhaps I expect too much, too much from people,-mere people whom I've barely known for less than 2 months. I suppose I expected way more. I guess their pernicious words were just meant as a slight joke to brighten up their insipid lives. Y'know, Jc students currently have no life-s. But I have a life, I'm now a Poly student. Can't you see I can't take such jokes? Can't you see how much it all means to me? Can't you see each word of yours cleaving through this frangible heart of mine! No, you can't. You're blinded by the callous Math, insensitive Geography, uncaring Literature, obdurate Economics, merciless GP, pitiless Chinese and savage PW.

Darn, I am just matter-of-factly debating with myself at this timely hour. I should to sleep.

Natasha's leaving IJC with me(: though we're going to different poly-s.

I'm leaving ___. Tough decision, afterall I feel the slightest bit attached to ___ alr; money aside. Our disparate clique, the relevant teachers and the same names. I think I might just miss them. A single tear? It shouldn't be, we're not that close.

A.QH

No more Chinese podcasts. No more 800 word GP essays. No more incomprehendable Math sequences&series. No more too shorts for Literature compare&contrast. No more elasticity for the dreadful Econs. No more PW with S's favourite Mr SeeTho. Lastly, no more PE's hate Ashley campaign.

I suddenly realised I'm kinda incorporating literature into my entries! I'm elated yo! Haha, can you see the personification, metaphors and similes??? And of course, IMAGERY!

I have to admit, literature really rocks. I love Professor Brenda Flanagan lots and lots! She was so confident, and absolutely calm even when faced with like 100 IJC lit students. I would have trembled, and my words would crumble if I were standing where she stood. I am inspired. (: