'I like the word evil. Scramble it a little, and you get vile and live. Good, on the other hand, is just a command to go do.'

- Jodi Picoult

& I am evil. (:

Truth is, I haven't been studying much, of late. I suppose I can't expect that great a result since I haven't put in my best.

Anyway, seeing how others get so busy with both CCA and studies really touches a raw nerve. Because at this time, last year, I wasn't even that busy at all.

I admire how others are able to so perfectly pen down their thoughts and feelings, to be able to describe everything to its minute detail, something that I am never able to do. Sometimes, I really want to find the right word to describe myself at that very moment in time, but always fail to do so. & all around me I see people that are so blessed, that have everything go their way; and then I see many others that are ill-fated, that nothing goes their way. I wonder which category I belong to.

I'm always at the halfway mark. Studies. CCA. Sports. Piano. Even Friends and Happiness, I'm always only halfway there. Sometimes, I envisage myself at the opposite end of the globe, living a life totally different from what I'm having now. Not that I'm being emotional (emo), and fyi I really detest the word 'emo', but its good to imagine. Damn. Now even I'm unsure of my point. I keep digressing. Sighhhh.

I just want the sec 3 life back. Because then, days go on without me being constantly fearing about what happens next etc. At least I was entitled to find solace in my CCA, whenever I was upset. Oh well, nevermind.

Watching intently as the rain drops fell yesterday, I finally took time to sort out my incoherent mind. Everything was jumbled up, & for a moment I couldn't remember what I was doing in school in the first place. I realised, with the guidance of a special someone, that everyone does things for a reason. Not that I didn't know that before, but now I really know. Perhaps I was selfish, to not say it was my fault; to not tell them I had contributed to the idea. What had happened? What had gone through the minds of the ones we'd groomed? They suddenly seemed so different, so distant, so complex.

I couldn't comprehend, why they'd become like this or why they had entertained such thoughts. I couldn't fathom, why we're totally pushed aside or why we weren't entitled to know even just that little bit. I couldn't decipher, who had been in the wrong or why they're upset. I couldn't perceive, what was more important than the matter they had at hand. I just couldn't.

When it was around this time last year, we weren't like this. I remembered it was damn hard for us, but yesterday I realised, it might be harder for you. Now you see why we can't sign the form? Now you see why we might never be able to don on that white long-sleeved top and white skirt? Now you see why, because there's a communication problem. Even before we leave the school we have this problem. What happens after we leave?

Some are still stuck back in time. They keep digging up the past. Why repeat it when everyone's fine? Perhaps you want me to never talk to you again? You're unfathomable, just like I am to you. I missed that friendship once, but after yesterday passed, I am missing it no more. You guess why. I'd put it behind, & tried ways and means to help you too, but you chose yesterday, when I was all messed up to bring it up again. You hurt, but is it only you? You were the one who dug up all the miserable contents. I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY!

Currently, I still holding back, because I'm sieving my words. Afterall, others might be reading this, & I'm mindful of the impact it may cause if I phrase my words incorrectly.

Oh well, on a slightly happier note, I had one of the most soothing talks with Qh ystd. Man, that setting we had ystd might never come again!! A slight breeze, quiescent surroundings and an interesting topic at hand. Oh and not forgetting the background music coming from Pierce sec supposedly; everything blended together to grant us the perfect place for a light-hearted chat.

Also, it was Goh Yilin's birthday, they celebrated at drivethrough Mac. Some fantastic people chose our seat outdoors, you see, drivethrough Mac provides outdoor shelters where people can dine in as well. (: Not that dining outdoors is a bad idea, just that there's this irksome cat which freaks most of the girls at out table out. Especially Qh, & what made me start to laugh was her distinguished fear for that cat. I know I wasn't being nice, but a girl of 170++cm being afraid of a tiny, furry, cute cat and jumping about in fear was really comical. It was the first time Edna finished her meal before Qh, because Qh was busy avoiding the cat. Qh consumed her meal on tenterhooks as she kept an eagle's view of any approaching cat. Winny saved the 'damsel' in distress by carrying the cat more than once, out of our dining area.

After dinner, people took turns to produce jokes for entertainment, only that not all were funny. It wasn't till Vivian and Kewei left that Vivien started to tell her supernatural stories. It freaked most of us out when Yilin suddenly rose from her seat & screamed, like really screamed. However, turns out that it was just her thoughts making her afraid. We all left soon after, and Pearlyn grabbed my arm tightly as we proceeded to our bus stops.

That's basically all of yesterday. Happy birthday Yilin.

Ultimately, its still the old days that matters most. That pang of nostalgia hit me real hard during awards night. Though this photo is incomplete, I have that feeling it will never be possible to make it complete again.

Okay, so awards night didn't go as smoothly, (to put it bluntly), because there were considerably many cock-ups. Perhaps it was too last minute due to the recent NOMAD; anyway, it was kinda hilarious to actually see how people around me got anxious when it was almost their turn to receive their awards. Haha, that's because when you receive your award, a screen bearing your Sec 1 photo will be put up. & sad to say, that photo of mine wasn't at all cute or innocent. It just looked dumb. =( Still, I was positive that seeing these photos brought smiles and laughter to everyone in the hall as we reminisced our Sec 1 days. It sorta lightened up the atmosphere in the hall.

After the whole event was over, we proceeded downstairs to slack and chit-chat; so different from last year, or year before, where we would be the ones clearing up the hall & being labelled the saikang warriors. I can't deny that I miss those days, but its time to let go. The Ugians gathered for photos, and the girls clamoured to take photos with the guys! Haha. An interesting sight, I'm glad to say.

Oh, so that's all for award's night that I can think of. I shall end with a last picture.

As I said, people have their limits. & at times, their close
friends or buddies might just unknowingly cross the
boundaries. Just a mere sentence might spark unhappiness.

Perhaps everyone should learn to give each other space.
Just some cooling-down time for things to settle a lil' bit.

Aside from generalising, I suppose the past few days I
have been stoical to the happenings around me, save for
the fact that I still chatter alot, but of course, mostly to
my maths partner. I presume I have left numerous people
around me perplexed at my abstruse behaviour; its
unintentional, I'm serious.

Another lingering occurrence is the walk up the arduous
8 flights of stairs from the ground floor to 4/3. At
that time, it really wouldn't have hurt if someone could
have just voiced out a word or something; not only because
it was a terribly awkward silence, but also because it was
unprecendented. But everyone eschewed the task of being
the first to speak. Oh well, who knows what the individuals
are thinking. After all, human minds are hard to fathom;
though sometimes others try so hard to figure what you're
thinking when in actual fact you might just be thinking of
what you'll be having for lunch(for example). Don't get me
wrong, cause its not meant to be humourous or sth, I'm
just trying to make clear that most of the time, people think
too much.

And, I shall skip the topic of Awards Night as it causes much
disturbance, I presume.

Gahhhhhh, well on a lighter note, I'm getting those unsightly
metal braces cemented onto my teeth next week. Not that
that's a bad thing. Just that, did I mention, since young
I have this phobia of dentists, & that it would take much
more than a hurricane to blow me into the dentist's patient
room. I did count my blessings when the dentist told me
I'm spared from the extraction of any tooth in my mouth,
however my parents are paying so that I must endure the
sour feeling when small plastic bands are put between my
teeth to seperate them. Man, I wonder how I'd look with
small metal cubes on my individual teeth held together
by a metal wire. Seems like the dentists' will be my new
hangout.

Lastly, I wish to dream of fabulous Biology results tonight.
Cause I totally screwed Physics up.
I should have known better. Physics is easier than Biology.

Oooh & of course, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Ms Poon.
Heh, don't misunderstand, I'm not referring to the
elegant science teacher(if I'm not wrong) teaching
in our fantabulous school.

I'm referring to the student from 4/4. She has her
own idiosyncratic gestures which at most times I
shy away from. Heh, anyway, here's wishing you a
really HAPPY 16 birthday! To Samantha Poon=)))

Okay, I'm undeniably happy now! Haha, I guess chatting with people you haven't chatted with for a long time makes you really elated! Plus the national day songs coming out of my earphones really soothes all the day's unhappiness.

However, I still have left a high-standard english summary I haven't completed. I shall go do it lest Mrs Chung flies into a rage when she finds out I haven't completed it by her extended dateline. (Though I know she won't=))

Cya.