tired. very very tired. i hate ur naggings. can't u just shut up. argh. theres so many things i need to do, why can't u just bloody understand. !@#$%^&* forget it.


i have so many thiings left undone man. and trngs not working out how i thought it would be. just wanted u all to try ur best, i'll be happy and contented. can u understand wad's going on now. we only have 1 or 2 more trngs till POP. but the drills are still like ....lidat. i don't wanna ask for much, just for u all to put in ur best. just ur best. its enough.


anyway..started on cac ler.. discussed the topics. really hope to do a good report and presentation to get the LANYARD. we will work towards that..to show you that we are not useless . hurts to know that u nvr feel proud of us, nvr feel happy when we have tried our best. why...whatever we do, its all wrong in you guys eyes. what must we do to make u all feel proud, feel happy, feel contented?? will winning this lanyard help?? if it will, i will try my best.

today, met at amk at 12. outside school, we stood, under the hot sun. waited for the ug ppl to reach. yb and konnie late, so we went mac wait for them. then we discussed abt our stuff. oic good lor. fang wo men fei ji. pro ehh..nvr tell us. !@#$%^&* nvm. then after everyone reached, we WALKED to pierce reservoir. but it was a nice walk. even though under the hot hot sun. walked the bishan park way, then finally reached pierce. we checked out the trails, and decided our checkpoints. pointed our the dangerous areas, and took the necessary precautions down. it was so serene there. the sound of water running, and insects. even though it was hot, there was a slight breeze. i felt i enjoyed it, an exercise with the trees. haha. then some ppl were in bad mood, for some reason or another, they went home.=((( pangseh us. in the end, sam koonling dinie yongbang and me were left. we sat down at mos burger finally. ate there, and discussed our activities. yb and dinie left after awhile. it was super productive with koonling! then she left at 5, me and sam continued till 5.30. then sam went to watch spider with her friend.


i found out that, there's so so so many things to do. pop proposal, cac proposal, cugc proposal, parade procedures and so many other things. sian diao la. kkukukukuku. my head's burstin. i don't know where to start. if only one day can have 48 hours. then there would be so much more time to finish up what's left. i'm really tired. tired, holding something so heavy that its gonna crush down on me soon. can't i just put it down properly? and not let it crush me? tell me what to do. there's so may pretences around me. so many ppl with their masks on. i can't see their real face. i don't know what's on their mind, sometimes i wish, i had the ability to understand. to feel and know how they feel, so that i can understand the hurt, the pain and everything they are going through. i just hope, one day that i can remove all your masks. and not let the facade continue.

yesterday, rep to go toapayoh cc..for briefing for the ACT to help elderly with dementia organised by high5. you know, they are really very pitiful, and we should help them right? so help to buy the tickets to the actual event next sunday. each ticket cost 4 bucks. please help. and yeah, can you imagine how helpless i felt, as usual. sat alone there, in that big meeting room. i really hate that feeling. sometimes, i just wish u could tell me more, so that when i go, i don't feel so helpless, and don't know anything. all questions bombarded at me, i don't know how to answer, because i was not told of anything. but as the rep, i have to be the one responsible. i just wish, that you can tell me more of the info before i go, so that this wouldn't happen time and again. first aiders --- next sunday, we have first aid duty, report at 6.20 wear full red cross uniform.

met sam after that. and yeah..we had to go esplanade to check out next sunday's route, and where the marshals as well as first aiders have to be positioned. here's some photos of the ppl we will be working with,

me: now going esplanade.

xinyu: so cool ar? go there eat durian?

me: eeew, durian is stinko.

xinyu: tekan make u eat durian

me: no way. =.=

okkay..i see no meaning for this. hahaha. super random. anyway, durian is !@$%*$ my daddy likes to eat it. i don't know why i liked to eat it in the past, but now, its super gao wei!

okkay..and that guy in red up there, his name is eugene, and his dear friend, is jingkai. funny ppl. but not bad la...very friendly. =)

then after talked to them for a long time, and i was darn thirsty. me and sam got drinks from a little girl by the riverside. so ke lian you know. so we each got 2 drinks. -.- then rushed to yck mrt. picked up our class ppl. then headed to ms low's house for bbq. cool right, haha. set up the stuff, and had to go sam's house take the drinks, and i was stupid enough to try climb the fence. another stupid conversation occured.

me: eeeee. my leg cannot go into the hole. then i can't climb out.

cynthia(i think): if you could climb out, thieves can climb in.

stupid right? argh. then another one.

me: eeee. i tried to climb the fence, now my hands damn smelly. why the fence so dirty ahh?

ms low: because the fence was not meant to be climbed. that's why they don't clean it.

=((( . so i had to walk the long way out. sam's daddy drove us and the drinks out. then started bbq-ing. took lots of photos when edna fang and qianhui came back. then discussed cugc stuff. oic sick. but still, proposal have to hand in by wednesday.seriously no time liao. until 10++, we decided to go because it was drizzling. daddy fetched me home. so tiring.

but i miss 2/2o6.

i tell you. my rabbit died on 16th of may 2007.my beloved rabbit. i'll miss you, badly. you'll always be in my memory.

and my favorite picture of my beloved, I LOVE YOU. forever.

just came back from seoul garden. dinnered there....

we cracked the egg, and put it in. looks nice at first, but then.......

it turned very ugly. all thanks to kellyn! =DD

food was okkay.....normal la....but had fun playing with the little pieces of meat.

cugc's coming. anyway i'm not going. i wonder wad disaster would happen if i go. i wish good luck to the oic, 2ic, and pcs. good luck ppl. be more decisive...things will be done faster. =))

exams are almost over. with 2 more papers on monday. geog and CHEM. i don't wanna die.... =((
these few days have been library-ing with sam. really happy moments. esp the stupid things we did. and comeon, we're wearing our sch uniform. to have eyes of strangers fixed on us, i feel uneasy. haha. but then...had alot of fun, and laughter... these whole week has been late nights for me, its a daily routine. sian..but must chiong la...last minute revision. =x


last 2 papers...i will do well for chem. i don't want that ** *** to come scold and pick on me again. lalalalla. i tell you ahh, i don't know what i have done, or what did i do to make you dislike me so much! everytime pms, then jiu shi i zhong! why i so suay la! argh...nvm. you don't like me right, haha..what makes you think i like you , huh? tua pai la....... forget it. i shall learn to endure, to like things that i dislike. =)) if only you can treat me better...muhahahaha.


after exams, woooooo. i can't believe guides de farewell party is just next week la. their madms ji zhe step down . i tot ppl won't bear to step down?? i don't know..


things have changed drastically from the past till now. things will never be like the past.

chocolates make me go high.

can you believe it..i'm down in the dumps now...when there's bio and maths tmr... so little time..yet i'm wasting it here...thinking abt stupid stuff. i find myself a big idiot.


do i even have 5 friends i can trust?? just 5. i bet i don't. i used to, and now.......its back to square one. sometimes i try, but hard as i try, there's no results. i'm tired of all these.....when can i just go to sleep...without ever needing to wake again?


does life have a meaning? you are born, only to die in the end. you make friends, those whom u really love and like, only to have to leave them when you go. you find a lover, only to break up as time passes. you trust someone, only to have that someone misplace your trust. you study so hard, only to fail in the exams.


yet on the other hand, conversely, life is full of wonderful memories, amksian family day, 2/2o6 class gatherings, chalets, trainings, bus rides home, those walks, and so many other things. but these things happened in the past. what's wrong with the present?? why doesn't the present have any of these anymore?? i try everyday..to make others smile, and be happy. but who will, for me? i give care and concern to others, but who will care for me? i try to cheer ppl up, but who will make me laugh? make me smile from the bottom of my heart? let me cry into their shoulders yet don't ridicule me? i try to trust others, give them advice, but who will trust me? and advice me? i try to listen to others, but who will listen to me? if i ask any one of you, what kind of person am i? can you even give me a definite answer? or will the answer be a 'don't know'. u think you know me, but i might not be who you think i am. i'm tired...sometimes i don't understand. i just don't.


a sail without direction, will never have a shore. are they too precise or are we just too simple? are you content or am i just dissatisfied? are you happy or am i just sad?



a stupid person leads a stupid life. a complicated person leads a complicated life. a person who don't study bio will not pass bio. =.=

everything is important. i wonder what's wrong with my mind. you said things were fine now. things can return to the past. how i wish i could believe you. i don't want to doubt it, but maybe you were just saying it to fu yan wo. i hate the suspense, what you are thinking. i wonder how it would be like after exams. i'm still afraid to look into your eye now, coz when i see you, i will just siam. its become a natural thing.


i don't wanna play hide-and-seek anymore, nor do i wanna play the i-don't-know-you,do-i? game ler.

oh gosh..i read back my previous posts...like from since august 2005 one...i feel very paiseh. hahaha. my posts are like so ZZZZzzzzz. ahhh..ppl dont go read hor..hahahaha damn paiseh.. i will face red red one..hahah..last time sec 1.....so innocent..everyone too..and is like feelings towards training is super enthu and positive one. everytime we look forward to trng..not that i dont' look forward to trng now la..but then..is like....last time..week after week..we will be like huh..so fast trng end liao ahh...how come nvr longer...and then the week like past so slow..we want to go for trng de......yet now...i don't know..maybe feelings will change..coz the ppl change. whatever la... ppl do really change bah.. i can't help that... if time would stop.


coz i miss the past.

i ask you all...what do u all see... OH GOSH. look at geraldine!! her lanyard!! ARGHHHHH!

okkay..i admit...i'm really ENVIOUS this time. i admit ..okkay.. hahahah. look at her rank.......

WARRANT OFFICER eh...don't playplay. haish......wait long long..oso won't get lanyard lar...i very demoralised. haishaish.

a study day with joanne and juliana. studied at mac...mett fleonna and her clique. studied math...realise got so many things i still dunno how to do. esp lower sec topics. haish. how............ so bored there....tried to keep focused. but somehow..so many things on my mind.


then juliana said wanna go liao..i requested for time to go to the toilet. haha..then we left..and so coincidentally we met wenjia and her mum and bro. fate, as juliana called it. hhaha. then went to amk hub ntuc. so many ppl there la...we went there just to grab a bar of choc each. argh..ate it and felt so sinful. must go exercise liao. somemore today is tuesday. supposed to have PE. oh..missed another day of exercise. =((


okkay. shan't crap here anymore..and good luck to her and her stead. hopefully you two can be together forever. =)) please don't ill-treat her..or else... i'll go find you. haha. even though you don't know me and i don't know you. but u better watch out. xD

yew tee-d with xinyu......... don't ask me why.. coz i don't know why too. hmmmmmmmm..talked abt things........things and more things. and i found out she like to bluff me.. how evil is that. even more evil than me, the suspense killer. xDD poor qianhui. lalalalala.


today discussed CUGC proposal..i hear they gonna change it to 3rd week..which means..................ALL OF US CAN GO. weeeee..so happy la.... hehe. during the discussion at the library..saw the kahyong(nccland sergeant) and his stead. then qj and dinie keep making fun of them ..so evil. then discuss finish.....edna and me lunched at 202. we guo er ren shi jie.. weeee..cool man. hahaha..long time nvr liao. then talked abt some stuffs. haish. okkay..i got nothing more to say. =))


i realised that i wrote the above 2 paragraphs in the reverse order. hmmm.
and last thing........i need my motivation for MID YEAR. now even that picture don't help. =((

your sacrifices..i'm not worth it..you know it...very well..that i would very much rather be the one sacrificing for you... you know it.


why...why is the world full of hatred and suspense? with numerous misunderstandings in between? make each and everyone of us live daily in suspense..where each is unwillingly to speak of.. in the sunset..on that day....i sit in the foyer..playing the piano..and that song we used to love..i knew you would come..to me and our little song. yes..you walked towards us..but not to find us..but to find someone else. i was afraid..to let my eyes meet yours. finally..painstakingly..i lift my head..from our song..to take a little glance. i thought you saw me..but no..i was just a sheet of paper..your cold and numbing stare..showed how emotionless that stare was.. at that moment..i knew my heart had shattered..with little pieces lying around..i stopped playing our song....to pick up the pieces that you left me. 934546 pieces ...it spells your name. do you get it now? how much you'd meant to me. i'll remember you..and our little song..all that we shared in the past..had been kept in a little secret bottle...deep within my heart........even deeper than how much my heart had shattered...in this bottle..i'll remember the times we shared....where we would talk.......you could comfort me like no one else. you are more than just a fragile memory..its not gonna be something of the past..i won't let it be. its in that secret bottle..i'm waiting to open the bottle cap someday..you decide when.


if only............again.

her naggings again........ its never ending. how i wish i can just shut my ears...


nana's post...exactly what i feel....things which have an optimistic start will not have a good ending....i wonder............will a bad start result in a good end?? and why.....do we regret after everything is over? yet no one cherishes the present? and a few years from now..we will think of wad happened..and the cycle repeats itself once again... i wonder..how fragile or weak a friendship is........ or how strong it can be? a so called strong friendship..can just break into pieces...just by some words said..or by some action.. but yet..a weak friendship can prove to last a lifetime..maybe..being just normal friends won't result in this happening. i feel..i have never really hated anyone..coz my hate..don't last for usually more than 2 days..... i wonder how some ppl can hate others for a lifetime...won't it be good if all hatred were removed? or maybe...a world void of all feelings would do everyone good...


and ppl change drastically...so much that we can no longer recognise them..some ppl change for the better..others for the worse.....under others' influence..they can change so much....where did they go?? the THEM i used to know......... just where did u all go? why do you have to leave me behind..bring me along........i promise i won't be a burden..i'll just tagg behind.......i won't bug you all too...just don't leave me behind. why......ppl tell me ALL THE SAME THINGS.. don't think too much.........why ahh..i really think too much meh?> maybe..frequent headaches unknown to anyone except myself...the white light when i close my eyes.......how i wish......this is all a nightmare.......but no..i close my eyes..and open them again. i'm still where i am.......maybe.....i expect too much..from myself..from others. or mabe even not. mid yr exams in just a few days....how will i do? xinyu reminded me.......we will have to give them our result slip after MYE..i can't afford to not do well..i don't wanna be like last yr...i try.....i must... other than MYE there's CCA. love my cca alot..finding ways and means to improve it.....why can't it be like last time? where we don't get teased by NCC air..and land. how hurting to see ppl insulting RC.. but well. everything haad changed...our attitude...towards cca..cadets say they forced to join.....why can't they had join out of their own accord? then they will give their best...........nvm. its not up to me to say anything..i wish for the best in everything.........................but its not possible..


does screaming really help??

i saw you again....turning my back to you..i hid my face again.. maybe i'm just to scared to face the outcome. i still think we will just pretend that we saw nothing. should i just give in?

i can't go for CUGC!! how upsetting. argh...didi got OIC of camp..hao you ben shi wor..jiayous didi..then joy got AIC!! weeee..cool man. then RSM... is of course MY DEAR EDNA!!! congrats girl!! i know you can do it one!! then company A and B i/cs are calvin and jinzhi. platoon i/cs are sam and szeann. DINIE, QINJIE and ME are NOT going!!! ahhhhhhhhhh!!! last yr missed it already..this year..missing it again!!!!!!! i wanna go......=((((((


thunder and lightning..with heavy rain..i'm glad that you're okkay.

i wanna make you smile again..i tried..but apparently..its not funny. nvm.. how many days more till you can talk to me again. i wanna tell you..i rmb it all..everything we did together....the memories too many to forget. but to you....it might be nothing at all. just a few moments of your life is counted as nothing at all..yet to me... its the world.. i don't know why.


can't i show some concern for you? won't you accept it? i wonder why....i'm considered as naggy..when i just ask you to take care......maybe..its more of noise pollution to you...you'd rather not hear it...because it means nothing at all to you..i will accept that.. sorry for the disturbance..i know wad to do now.......

thanks. thanks those who had been there for me..to help me through this terribly difficult period.


someone left me, with a broken promise. i don't blame that person..maybe i din make myself clear.


and that another so wonderful person..who left me with my mouth agap. letting me cry all my heart out for her. how hurting that is. even as i close my eyes...the tears just flowed out.


p.s thanks louisa. thanks for ur concern. =)

today...a friday without trng..so weird..mohan and anantha were like giving faces during ss. damn damn funny..hahaha..then is like mrs anantha asked a qns..then calvin ang replied YEAH BABY!! hahaha and mohan was trying to surpress his laughter!! is like calvin is used to saying that la..so natural ler..but for that sentence..he had to spend time after sch with anantha..hahaha..poor thing..then after sch..went 226 eat. ate chicken rice..then went back school. ncc land ppl having trng..then we so bad..keep making them laugh...hahaha. so nice..the 2/2 feeling again..even though no trng..very weird..but then..spend time with my beloved friends..love them all SO MUCH!


then going home that time...pei edna sit 88..go hougang ..hahahaha ..but so fun..thanks edna..for chatting with me on the bus..i don't know how u stand me either..hahaha =DD then..waited at the busstop for 854..i missed 2 bus lo..i wasn't concentrating..so yeah..finally got on one..then so crowded..i stand..held the railings... and SLEEP! lol. SLEEP WHILE STANDING!! pro right? aiya..dunno why these days all so sleepy..and ahh..NCC LAND ppl cannot go CUGC!! i can't go either..hopefully can postpone to later date..then we ALL can go. haha


why? why do i have to turn and walk in another direction when i see u? because i don't want to walk past you..and u pretend u did not see me..and i pretend i did not see you. its just so hard..and tough. isit because of the rash things i said? as i said..its just RASH words..are those words stronger than our friendship in the past? or maybe wad we shared in the past..wasn't even a friendship at all...and how long will u ignore me for? forever? i wonder..will i say something first..or will u be the one who talks.


treasuring everything by my side now. . . . . . wonder whether everyone will start to leave me one by one. will things be the same 5 years down the road? everyone is asking the same qns...

swensen-ed with edna, yh, julian and sam ystd.. cool man..we took a LONG LONG time to decide where we wanna go..always so weird one.. decided on swensens first..then huh..alot of ppl dowan go, then decide go 202..then after that say 202 very sian..then me and sam say go buddy hoagies(near my house mah)..then sam say so close my house..then in the end i very pekchek..hahaha then say..EVERYBODY LET'S GO J8!! hahah..damn funny la..then bus-ed there. took quite some time to decide what to eat. see we are so INDECISIVE. took some pics.. but haven't upload into comp..so too bad..next time bah (aiya..everytime i say next time post..will nvr get to post one) =)) then...i ate the seafood chowder..sam ate calamari rings..enda julian and yh order ice cream..and me and sam share topless 5..ahaha..everytime we eat topless 5..will be reminded of top 5 post!! hahah..damn funny. then eat until super full. and yh and julian was there LAMING!! their words all super hilarious one!!! esp yh! he she bu de..spent 7 bucks on ice cream..then he keep finding things to bring home from there..HAHA. then eat finish...went with sam to buy her pens and stationary..her things always missing onee. buy finish ler..sam got mummy and daddy pic up. haha..mrt-ed home alone!! =((


thinking abt frienship things again...so sian!! how i wish..i don't think so much.

council interview. woooo. got the chance to go in with qj and dinie..can notice the ncc way of replying qns..like MY DEAR QINJIE!! hahahahaha..super hilarious can! love them all man..qinjie found all sorts of ways to create something than can 'zhen' the cadets. all the weird weird ways ...no wonder..all come from glenn one!! as in..he try on glenn before!! hahahha..damn damn funny.


and.....
.................
.......................
how to deal with rebellious cadets? seriously..i don't know. qj and dinie said.......give them the TORTURE and hard way..if really cannot..then tell them nicely. but i said the other way leh..in the end oso tio. not really that bad la...but had to scold the sir kenneth..how to scold..when the situation is just a scenario?? how to scold..when u are trembling? and shivering?? wahhh..dinie tio very cham..poor chap. his sergeant keep do him..haha..in the end..they say say say..we ans ans ans..until they got nth to ask ler..then at that time..mdm tong came to scold..wahhh..nice lor..the sirs and madms..kena by mdm tong..and the cadets..being cadets...all zao ( run away) haha..we INTENDED to be GOOD cadets...but then..too late ler..8 already...and the next day got physics test..so went home ..kena by *** ...hate it la..not like i dunno how to manage my time! i oso know test very impt..exam coming..wahh shit la. but nvm..one ear in the other ear out. RRRAAAA...MUST REN!!!


and p.s she's still ignoring me..YOU..do u know how i feel now?

why?! why are all of u telling me the same things?!! to change the everything..to do everything i can. u see for urself. u think i don't want the unit to be like ncc air?! u think i don't want?! u tell me to gain their respect! u tell me how. u say don't scold, don't pump. i say nicely..who will hear?! besides..i have nvr even scolded them, let alone pump them lar! i say nicely..they treat like i talking to air like that! u say ur ppl ...call u by ur nicknames and all. they respect u..but how?! u all must have done something to make them respect u. u tell me to talk to them outside of training, do they listen?! u oso know wad their replies are wad. i told u ler! u hear it urself. i tell u i'm lost..i oso need time to get back to my track. i'm not a super person! i need time too. u ask me to plan. wad do u have for me to plan?! plan how i die?! and also..me alone putting in effort will NEVER be enough! is everybody need to do it together! i tell u i tried..u say trying will nvr be enough and whatever we do is shit to THEM. so how?! u tell me can?! since u say u've succeeded in gaining their respect, u tell me.


i'm just so stuck. u said i sit there and do nothing. u know how i feel anot? what more do u want from me. i look at them, i feel like vomit blood. u so pro..u try want? i'm not like arrowing u or wad lar..but then why not stand at OUR point, and try to see how we are doing. we are different from u all okkay. see how many ppl u got, see how many we got? WHAT IS RESPECT?! u can tell me. YOU. nice try didi. i don't know what is ur point. i don't get ur point. what do u want from me?? to improve it? or to ci ji me? to make me feel useless? or wad?! i don't know. yeah..i know..time is short..u tell me there is no space and time for anymore TRYING..but there will always be the first time..and its TRYING.

why?? there i go again. why?? have things really reached this stage that we can't even say hi when we see each other?? when last time..u would xi ji me..and tickle me..the times that i would laugh at the ambush. but now...its gone. really gone. why? i saw u today..i felt like going over..and talk to u..but i've no courage, i'm a coward. i was trembling..i don't even dare to look at you. do you even remember who i am?? because i do remember who you are. you are someone important to me, i don't wish for just some words of anger and rashness to spoil it all. do you know??

cried like no one's business. why? because i'm useless. why can't i control..trng was trng. changing parade(CP) as usual..actually i see no point in CP..even though cp is a tradition passed on in every UG. maybe it trains urgency...but then..change in and out...aiyo..then footdrills. commands..tried to perfect it..but in the end..still same mistakes..not dowan to change leh..but then...somehow..can't. i don't know why too. life is just abt REGRET REGRET and REGRET. in the end..cadets became madms..madms became cadets. WE , yes WE could not take it..so weak right? just because our madms call us madms. wow..yeah..u all are right i suppose..we can't be crying just because we are at our wit's end, can't cry because we are disappointed, maybe not in front of u guys, and our juniors. well..what will redcross become in the future? we want as much as any other person, cadet, madm, nco, UG to have a good unit, good cadets, win competitions, make u all proud. of course we want. i just want to know something..have we ever made u all feel proud of us? did u feel happy when u saw us in the marching contingent..to know that ur cadets were good enough to be in the marching contingent..for parades. trying to make u all proud of us..but we don't know how. or maybe i don't know.


i made 2 promises today. one to sam, another to a guides YA. the promise to sam, and to myself. written in black and white, and we both know that we will keep it together. the promise to the ya, to be stronger, to do my upmost best, for the unit, for them, for her. to make them proud, to be a good leader. i know i can't, but she said i can. ppl believe in me, but i can't believe in myself. i've made too many mistakes, i can't pick up from where i left off. but she asked me to re-start. i've disappointed too many ppl, broke too many promises and cried too many times. i shall restart, never give up and do things that will make them proud.

the most unforgettable trng..a trng..which might change my mindset forever. i'm really sorry. i apologise. i nvr meant it that way. how u r feeling now..i feel many times worse.maybe it nvr occurred to me that wad i said was counted as rebutting. but now i know. i apologise. i will change..it won't be an empty promise anymore. i wanna say..i cried..because i was hurt by the words u all said. i'm trying..very hard to control. but the thought that this will be our last trng together..and the fact that on the next trng long time from now...i would feel so lost without u all. but maybe ..maybe no one knows. well..i knew from the start i won't be a gd oic..nor will u all win our bet. i know the qualities lacking in me..but some of these..are so hard to change over such a short period of time.. i dunno how to face u guys anymore..seriously. i don't know how..and what to do. we mustn't be so indecisive..nor should we be so weak. we cannot cry just because we feel disappointed..or at our wit's end. but must we be void of all feelings? sometimes..i hate my face. because of my face..it has caused some misunderstandings. i hate it..wad is shown on my face may not be how i really feel. but i guess..no one will ever know.......whatever. i'm past caring abt this already. maybe now..post don't matter anymore..its just how well the unit will do. i want as much as all of u to win footdrill comp, csa, eua, CAC, fa comp. who will don't want?? maybe sometimes putting in effort alone will not work.........or maybe i have not put in my all.

u broke ur little promise. i knew u wouldn't wait.

saturday. its enrolement. wet and hot as well.. whatever. i've learnt to endure heat as well as rain.. so did edna. again..its both of us. rmb the things we used to do together. yeah. thinking back.....time flies like a plane..maybe even faster. parade ended early coz of rain. thenme and edna were stinking wet coz we in the contingent..then the rest keep like smelling us?? i super conscious one..hahas..then after that go j8 change..with edna, yf, juliana, weilin, xinyu, vivien and chongxi. ate..then took neoprints. the first one. yeah. see..its gonna june soon. and i'm gonna say the same things again. shoots. wad do u think will happen once we take over? what will we get? will our unit prosper? will we do a good job? so that other UGs dun make fun of us? i guess rank no longer matters to me..i just want no more attitudes, no more ppl who pon trng, no more conflicts, no more fights, no more cries.. always go out of point. damns.


back to the topic..we took neoprints..with words like WE LOVE REDCROSS! i really do. okkay nvm..then pei-ed yf go buy her slippers. then went home..reached home ..very very tired..and smelly. finally..sunday a day to rest..and study. mye is coming..wad am i doing?

friday. another memorable day out with laopo. happy happy. studied chem. supposedly go library..but ended up in mac..coz library closed on ph. sian. then talked abt some ppl. who backstabbed us. who misplaced out trust..talking abt it even hurts. wad business isit of urs even if i like a person? i really think u think too much u know..coz i don't like anyone now. u get it? and dun be so busybody..to tell that person whom u think i like. its not even the truth. i can't be bothered with u sometimes. why are u so stubborn? to think sam and me trusted u so much. this is how u treat me..and how are u treating her now?? u tell me? no better right? u're good..i must say..like sam says.
she is the producer of all shows. one story for you, one story for me, one story for the world. its the truth..wad u tell me might not be wad u tell others. wad u tell others might not be wad u tell me. i'm just so bewildered by ur actions. fine..i shall just stop here. and btw..i had a great day today laopo. it had been very long before i can feel this free again. on the way back home from thee bus stop which i sent sam to, i walked past the stadium..and its empty roads..and an open field. there was a small bb court..there..i think i saw a familiar face. she was with her friends..i haven't seen her since last year. its just about half a year..and now.we walk past each other like we've never met. how sad can that be? oh well..had a great day today..at least i learnt something..and found out some truths. thanks. once again.

hmmmm. i think i haven't touched blogger for abt a week ler. no time. this might be a lengthy post..those who's eyes are weaker..eh..maybe no need read..hahahaha jkjk.


wednesday. stayed back for meeting i think ..for last minute preparation for commissioning thee next day. was super happy that day. so scared she knocked into the pillar lar. must take care..nothing must happen to you okkay. or i think i'll just die. even though i know u're very strong de. discuss abt our games and all..grouping for the next day. and also..ran about the school..in search for madm wenjia and sir izuan. lalala..got qns to ask them. then later..went home for piano. i think that's all for wednesday. so standard. then the next day............
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the holy big day. with a big hole. nah..joking only. lessons as per normal. then at 1pm, when everyone left to the hall..there was confussion. don't know whether must go sing sch song or can do our preparation. then we all decided go gallery, wait for like 30 mins. then mr sim say all ug ppl can go. then coz time very tight, we were cursing him all the way..even 30 minutes wasted was like 3 hours. hmmmmm.. then got everyone's help..to shift tables and chairs..the guys went to makan first..while edna, sam, yf, qj, me and a few other ppl..decided to go work first. ban the chairs..cleared the classroom..and started the preparation for games. really thank everyone for helping out..then at around 2..we gathered all ug ppl..sec 1s and 2s.. then seperate them into their groups. super big cock-up..coz not enough time..sir izuan said 2.15 everyone go hall for briefing. but then..up till 2.14 we not yet tell everyone their groups. sir izuan said if we not up in hall at 2.15..i die. oh gosh. but after that he say forget the time limit..ask everyone put bags in classroom first. then cock up again..i shout and shout and shout..i think i scared some ppl. hahah..scolded some ppl...yeah. sorry man..feel guilty ...i know u all hate me..but i can't help it. then started whacko in classroom. before moving everyone to the field. then at field..we started our telematch..we had to cancel out 2 games eh..not enough time. played tug-of-war as the first game..got everyone organised with sze ann and zhan hong's help..haha..they gave them water break. then coming back..they walk...then zhanhong was like 'WALK WALK SOMEMORE!!' hahaha..then me and edna started laughing like shit. den i scolded them..say u think this is ur grandmother house ahh..strolling. wadever. then started tug of war..then npcc de rope break. me and sze ann were like.................!@#$%^& their rope so easy break one. sheeh. is like a human fist thick leh. see.UG ppl are so strong one. but we couldn't bother abt this until after the games. so we continued on..played the water ballons..edna had a hard time preparing..thanks girl!! =DD splashed water and all..sec 3s had a nice bonding time. =)) then after that..time's up ler..so fast lar..one moment i was screaming my lungs out for the splitting of groups..then next moment was to as kthem to go get changed into their uniform. so we sec 3s cleared up..xin bu zai yan..or at least me..i was thinking the whole time if the sec 1s and 2s enjoyed it anot..i don't think so bah ..haish..anything..at least we tried..i think the telematch was not so cocked up. luckily. or else....my head will roll. then edna and i go change..take our time change..then wear beret everything hao hao ler..then they say no need wear beret. so sad..then take out..me and edna went up to gallery coz cannot sit.then saw madm wenjia..her rank...............SENIOR WARRANT OFFICER!!! very nice. she wear ler look very nice. hahaha. then coz ms tan and ms chan went for beach cleaning, no one to do the flag..madm wenjia go do. then wait for all to unveil their ug's flag..then finally..the UG COUNCIL FLAG!! then after that was speeches by mr tan our principal cum guest of honour, followed by mr siva teacher in charge of ug council, sir izuan student head and then madm aurina guides CL . then there was the slideshow..sorry to say..the first part of the slide show pics is all i send one..i din expect madm jocelyn to put all. so i hereby clear all the doubts as to why so many of u guys pics are up there. sorry. then in the slide show..me and edna cried..haha...reminds me of all the memories..happy and sad ones. of last pop..and ndp. so soon..next friday's gonna be the last trng. i really hopee it can be a memorable one. something for us to remember for life. then after that..ceremony over ler..the emcees sam and sir tsewei did a great job!! yeah. then sir izuan gathered the sec 3s..to clear up the hall..the field and move the table and chairs. to their original positions. ncc air ppl went to makan..hey we din eat breakfast, lunch eh..then is like we din touch any of the refreshments. hahaha wasted that 3 bucks. hahaha ..jkjk..then me and sze ann was like...........runnning all over the sch..to clear the ropes..and settle the broken rope stuff. looked around for np ppl. they were like..u have to talk to this this this person..then we go find..find ler..then this this this person say go look for that that that person..wahh..then we were like -.- in the end the main person is mr siva. so we found him..and he just said its okkay. how comee the cadets so strong. and that's it. we were shocked. terribly..hahaha. finally settled that..then had to go back find the rest. then the sir say must change into full u..we chiong like shit..in the end wear finish ler...they say can go home. so
!@#$%^& ..but yeah i guess..its okkay to wear full uniform..haha..took some lovely pics. yeah..then sam waited for me to change , in the toilet..really thanks yeah..evne though i know one of the reasons u sat in there until i came out is because u no strength to move..but still thanks..haha and take care yea..u are so sick..do rmb to drink lots of water. then helped sam out...and then we left..sam had her mummy pick her..so i fang xin. then i climbed out of the fence..sat up there and wobbled for a few minutes before deciding to come down. ncc air ppl were like..wahh she so qiang..hahah damn funny lar. then ate at central mac with xinyu, yifang and juliana. i think i said something wrong..one day..10 years down the road..will we walk past each other like we nvr knew each other b4? yf started to cry.. oh damn..and so did i. shucks. i should just be stronger. we talked abt pop..and stepping down. and xinyu said we should leave those words for june. sian!! i'm so darn gonna make her cry. and cry like a BABY! hahaha..wait..before i do that..i think i will be the baby first. hahaha..lol ..after dinner..my legs were aching like they are abt to break lidat. so damn pain and suan. then mrt-ed home..with them..so tiring..but its finally over. a good day to rmb..with so many happennings.


p.s i love my rabbit. lol

communication break-down.

sometimes i wonder. wad i do and all..sometimes u all should just tell me. instead of leading me into a guessing game. like guessing the name of rumplestiltskin. it would take almost forever. i'm sick and tired of all this. i guess..if u want me to change, then tell me wad i should do. somehow, sometimes..i feel like sitting down, on that chair, and look up into the sky. see the birds flying freely. and sometimes, in the bus. i see parents carrying their baby. the child stares at me with big,huge eyes. i wish one day i'll be like them again. being so innocent. just clinging on to ur parents arms..hoping they'll nvr let go. aye..wadever. things won't go our way..or rather they'll nvr. i guess we'll live each day..just day by day. or maybe its just me. i just wanna run away. to somewhere else. having selfish thoughts, i wanna bring everyone dear to me along.


and sometimes, i see others..why are those who are more courageous and daring always the ones who will get hit. they are the ones who will speak up for the rest, yet they are always being scolded. why is life so unfair? and why will the society treat u as an outcast for some stuff that u do . for example, why can't girls like girls, and boys like boys. why must it be girl like boy, and boy like girl. i really wonder. the society will then treat u as abnormal. saying u gay or les. some ppl find it hard to come to terms with it..if their peers are like that. but why. sometimes its just not wad u ppl think it is. can't it be just pure care and concern together with respect and not having dirty things in ur mind. why can't some ppl just think straight?! haish. i'm just so bewildered by facts of life. wadever...................and i'm still waiting.


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for wad? for ppl to tag. hahaha -.-

i just realised my blog's like .....almost dead. with no one tagging. hmmm..demoralising der lo..nvm. thursday..TREE PLANTING DAY. okkay. mrt-ed to dobhy ghaut with yf..got the photos safely into hq. then back to tpy..we were like practically lost. in between myriads of blocks of flats. i wonder how we got out. the streets seemed endless then..like how u would feel when u are trapped in a huge maze. yet..the feeling, undescribable..of being lost..somehow nothing matters anymore..u just walk aimlessly..following where ur instincts bring u to.


and finally, we reached..lorong 5 block 31. heh. i can rmb it..hahaha..waited for the others to reach by bus. then we all went tree planting.. hahahaha. plastic bags were provided to tie on our feet. and we looked like penguins. -.- then continued with digging. okkay..digging was kinda worse than giving birth. hmmm. we had fun..even though leg very suan. and ground very muddy. saw alot of ka chua..hahha. cockroach lar.. then scream and shout..walao. then after planting like a few potted plants..we cleared up, and washed the spades. then madms played with water. hahaha..makes me wonder if they really sec 4 or wad. hahah..lol.then after home-ed with them. talking abt stuff..apparently, there's alot to talk between us and madms. hmm. okkay..went home, legs like jelly. which will wobble uncontrollably. hahahah. chatted on phone with madm weilin..wahh..contradicting..hahah..some things , i don't understand. neither does she. i will support everyone de..i can vouch for that. not just because i like her, i treat her better. some ppl know that, others don't.


friday, reached school much earlier. prepared uniform and last minute polished boots. and finally..we got to fall in..after so much troubles and problems about this uniform thing, and ...someone from guides fainted. woo..she rolled down the steps i think. madm weilin and madm kexin rushed for the stretcher and first aid kit. wooo..i think rc is really the tian shi. hahaha..then madm xinyu saluted the flag. shouted the commands. wrong command..she paiseh..madm..no need paiseh wan..coz everyone make mistakes..the most impt thing is to learn from them. then lessons..and lessons and lessons. mohan lesson is like...........i dunno wad shit. nvm. coz i was practically sleeping. then had oral..mr xu, mrs xu's husband. -.- he not bad lar.actually okkay lar..he not bad..then after that chiong go trng..changed then went to find our squad. okkay..please. this is making me die. i see oso wanna vomit blood. i dunno hhow to face them in future. how to train them. not that they are bad, just that they are like a piece of white paper. with no contents yet. its is our duty to write some good things on that paper, and not let the bad ones take up the blank space. so i guess i'll keep trying..to be patient. and we'll do it together. after trng ..packed up, changed into class tee and skirt. then went for choir concert. wow..was like laughing at one part..where there's this song about food wan..then qh said she heard wad fan shu, then yf said she heard lor mai kai..wad the hell lar..then i started laughing, and edna oso..we laugh till stomach pain pain..hahahaha..it was super damn funny. and our amkss choir was NICE NICE NICE! love it man. their voices so good..saw erzi, xx and arifin. hahaha..they look good in shirt and tie. hahahaha..then after concert jiu left ler..coz sat family day.


morning of saturday, woke up at 6. then wore class tee and fbt..hahah..then went to sch..was almost the first orangew person to be there. then wait for everyone come. then bus-ed to sentosa. so sad..my rabbit din go...........=((((((((((( but then..sabo-ed ppl ...esp WINSTON LEE. hahaha i got everyone to help. then we had much difficulty in pushing him into water. hahaha..finally when everyone put in all their might, winston lee went into the water. walao..damn hard to push man.ahahahha. then went to find seniors..to push them into water. haha had personal time with madm weilin, to talk. or maybe it was just walk. just walk, yet it felt free. even though we din talk much, but can gan shou dao each others presence. hmmmmm..sounds wrong, yet right in some way. then played water. with madm xinyu fleonna and yilin. they very bad. all so jian! pretend go bully madm xinyu..i go help..in the end all pull me down..i almost dry ler lor. lalallala. hahah..wadever. fun anyway. then saw madm cara with mingxuan. they oso swimming..we decided to swim too. so we from the bridge go into water. funfunfun. then go find 4/5 ..played with them. so scared they accidentally injure ppl by pulling them. 4/5 ppl all so small size. i very scared anyone of them will get injured. then played. somehow. i did not spend much time with 3/3 de ppl..but spent time with sam alone too. talked alot. i felt as though my presence was not needed in 3/3..that's why my disappearance. to find someone who appreaciate my presence. hmm..then after that..sam sam and me lunch-ed at northpoint..yoshinoya. beef with veg! my regular. hahaha..then went back my house. biology. and enzymes. then sam had her mummy pick her up.. and saturday's over.


times passes so fast. how i wish time could stop. when u smile at me.

friday.

school was fine..nothing much happened.. actually..is becoz i cna't really rmb wad happened..-.-
and even if i rmb..i don't wanna say it..coz............its depressing. so yupp..after sch..qh went to tutor clara. pro de okkay. =)) then edna yf and me were sitting and slacking. yf and me wanted go makan. but qh had to teach clara..so decided to takeaway from mac..hahaha..fed many ppl with that small pack of fries..hee. then coz madms had oral..asked us to conduct trng first..then i gonggong go ask where madm joanne if she's coming..coz if she's coming jiu no need start footdrill ler. zhi jie start first aid..yah..turns out that she actually forgot..but then i remind-ed her. haish. so yupp..she comes...and when she reach..madm xinyu finished her oral already. okkay..so actually they had something for us to do..before sir elvin came..but then..miraculously..he came....much earlier..such that we couldn't do wad they want us to do. so we continued with first aid lesson..coz tmr's the thing! so yupps..badaging was good..elvin sir say one. then cpr..stress..coz madm joanne there..hahaha i forgot to call ambulance. so yah..too bad lor. hahaha..then theory..wasnt that good either. coz i failed by one mark. and i din study. hahaha..anyway it was a mock test.


then after that..some ppl went dinner. others went home. i went home and cpr-ed on my huge penguin. it worked okkay? and daddy and mummy were my little toys..and mugged until 1++..hahaha..but worked okkay. hmmm. then..............


saturday

mrt-ed alone to amk. then i so stupid..stand at one corner..then nvr see all of them at the other corner...haish..but then..alone..can study better sometimes.. so i wait till everyone reach ler then i go. hahaha..so then mrt-ed to dobhy ghaut..then we were discussing how to tie bandage and all..until so noisy. ppl were like looking lar..hahaha..then reach there..everyone so nervous. took the theory test ..everyone passed. and bandaging..that _____ sir was like _____. okkay..and he keep calling jialin xiao la jiao(little chilli?) eeeeew, okkay. then the badaging was cmi. coz his expectation of bandages is so much different from us. oh mans. but in the end..everyone still passed. hahha..and cpr..somehow, miraculously i passed..haha.. and i din forget to call ambulance.hahas. and again..everyone passed. cool mans. elvin sir say ours is one of the schools he's seen that everyone passed. so happy when he said that. =)) then after that..lunch-ed at ps with edna,qh,yf,jl,juli,winny,elvinsir and madmjoanne. THEY SAY I EAT SUPER SLOW!! oh mans..then they should see my laopo. hahahaha. then after that some ppl went home..left yf,qh,edna,juli and me. hahah. walked in carrefour for a long time..searching for fbt and food. hahahas. then saw some pianos..and went to di siao and ang moh..so bad right? hahaha..but very funny..i laughed like shit can. hahahahas. then searched for yf's fbt. got one bright orange one..then i took it..together with a orange fbt shirt. then held it in place..showing it to qh, she said i looked like a traffic light. -.- then juli qh yf and edna went to try sunglasses. super gao siao ..hahahaha esp qh de hacker glasses. then shoped for food..then yf was like a mama..taking everything she see..she say for her whole family.....hahahaha.. so funny. then we were like...yf go take rice...and take tissues and all..then madm joanne was laughing like no one's business?? haha..then in the end..yf bought her stuff..and we bought muffins and icecream..we ate outside carrefour..then make the floor so dirty..so much that the uncle had to clean the floor after us. then after that..mrt-ed home with everyone except madm joanne..we took different trains.


then very happy..coz now we are certified first aider ler..so cool..can save ppl. but must be careful not to kill them..or we can be sued for murder..so next time don't save ppl ler..hahahas.
just kidding lar..and...amkss will be joining FA competition in sept bahh..hope we can get 2nd runner up. =DDD amkss rcy ..jiayous! =))

they're watching the show on the tv on the bus. hmmm..and apparently..its funny. i mean..the show's funny.

cip today..met juliana at khatib mrt at 715. then mrt-ed to bishan. met vivien, and crossed the overhead bridge together. edna and qh was early, as usual. then waited for madm xinyu and madm fleonna. then we bus-ed to serangoon blk 238 for the cip thing. as we arrived earlier than 8, the thing was not open yet. so we wwaited outside..until 8, we were allowed to enter. then we sit, and wait. madm weilin and kexin were late..coz they couldn't find the place. in the end..they reached. and this lady gave us a briefing on wad to do and wad not to do. like wad don't drop the can, dun tamper with the coin slit, dun lose the CCA ..something to certify urself..and wad if we lost it must make police report. eh..u think this is our first time doing flag day meh?! like we dunno..we been doing for 3 yrs le okkay..and here u come crapping . i can't stand her. so when we could leave, i was overjoyed. we all decided to go tpy hdb hub. coz got the xiao yuan superstar. went there saw eunice jasmine patricia they all..eunice huanqing and some other ppl went to join. so patricia followed us, to help in asking ppl to donate money. haha..funny lar. okkay. then after awhile, we went to watch the superstar thing. actually..all ppl who went up there were considered brave. its really courageous okkay. if it were me, i'll be shaking ler. some ppl went up there..then forget lyrics. others zao sia..went out of tune. but some others were quite good. actually the judges oso choose ppl by the looks. candidates must be of acceptable weight, look pretty, and of course, must be able to sing. and me, juliana and vivien stand there and watch..haha. we din go ask ppl tong qian. until...we decided madm joanne coming, then me and vivien went to amk. at amk..i got alot of ppl to help donate. it was cool. ppl were quite nice. give so much coins. alot of ppl donated 2 dollar notes too. collected half the can when madm joanne came. then me, vivien and madm joanne lunched at amk..b4 going to collect again. again, more memories to be kept in my heart. then after lunch.. vivien went to bustop to collect. while me and madm joanne were like fighting for the spot outside the optical store..coz there ..i collected alot of money. haha..so yah..i still got my place in the end..and madm joanne had to go to outside the popular there..haha..sorry madm. in between, we were like smiling at each other..very funny. then collect until 3++ 4. then when we decided to go, we found a wallet..belonging to a cute looking boy. then we decided to go return it to the security guard. we waited at the counter for a long time. duringg this time..madm joanne keep wanting to kapo my hp. saying that inside got msg from bf..hahaha..super funny lar..can't even read msg in peace ..but yah..again..somemore memories ..that i will look back to in future.

then when we decided that the security guard ain't gonna come back, we left. me and her walked towards the mrt to find vivien. then along the way madm joanne saw her 'didi'. vball the junhao. then they chatted..and it gave me a chance to take photo again..muhaahahahaha.

errr..actually i din know who he was in the first place..so just took the photos..but then i asked madm who he is..found out that he is him. so ermm...yup..got a serious shock of my life. wonder how they met anyway..madm de didi? more like korkor. he so tall..see the height difference..oops. haha. then after he left, we met juli and vivien at the mrt. then went back to the serangoon there to return cans. then after that went to amk central de mac. to sit and chat. again, madm joanne try to steal my phone..my phone got that interesting meh? hahah..then finally somehow..she got it..and read my msg! haha..but its okkay. then play play play..ppl see see see. haha..then somehow my hands were around her shoulders to try get back my hp..but to no avail. she read my msg ler..then let her read lor..haha. then after that..we settled down..and decided to go amk hub walk walk. walked around..looking at the stores. somehow..there was something going on..i dunno how to describe it. was it that obvious?? my junior saw my feelings, read my mind, knew wad i was doing. i just felt i wanted to care for her, and got worried when her leg was injured or something. i din know why will lidat. den started to bang the wall with my fist and knuckles..pain leh..but i din feel it. coz my brain was too occupied..my junior saw my intentions. and she keep physco me that i like my rabbit, and not her. yeah..but just keep hitting the wall. until hand all red. i just like couldn't control myself. she looked so innocent then..even i know she isn't. but just wanted to care for her. din want her to get hurt. she wanted to know wad is it abt..but i can't tell her. is like..why..why will like that? maybe it was just a trick? maybe i just treat her as a normal friend?? but it can't be, coz i treat everyone in a normal way..but not her. or maybe i have been deceiving myself all the time. maybe i don't really like my mountain kia? but can't be..........some things are just so complicated. esp when i'm not a guy. wth. i don't know wad to do. then vivien left. leaving me, madm joanne and juliana. then we strolled to the mrt station. and it was goodbye. very she bu de. because when its goodbye, i don't know when we'll see each other again. hopefully soon. and thank you for today's memories. they will be in my heart .

travelled home by mrt with juliana..talked abt wad happened. i don't know how she can sense it. how come. its not obvious okkay..even though my hands were like shaking the whole time..and i was sweating. i almost could not control my hand okkay. but yeah..managed to ..in the end..after banging the wall. and the wall said ouch. -.- but still can't explain the feeling. maybe isit when some one treats u good, u will have that feeling? hmmmm..maybe. i guess i'm a person who likes touch. i touch ppl's shoulders, hands as a form of expression..maybe care? but those who don't like it..better stand further away from me. so yup..that's all. but somehow..the worry is still there. i don't want her to get hurt again. so YOU. yes YOU ..you'd better take good care of her..if not, i'll take the chopper and chop u up into a thousand pieces. u HEAR?!

friday..woke around at 8++..then piano-ed like siao. coz must chiong to sch to do project. ve project. then reached sch around 10++. the rest were doing project. so yah..went there actually did nothing. felt bad..edna did almost all the drawings. yeah..den after wards..madm weilin came ..she just finished her bio remedial. so we chatted..den lunched together at kfc.

then after lunch, returned to sch for trng. first aid trng. elvin sir came..and taught us theory for first aid..walao..so pro leh..he go so fast..then me and winny chiong for copying. then our hand like wanna break ler.. and ahh..somehow..i think hamtaro told him something abt me..and yah..he say wad he heard abt me b4..then mendi go add..she's the champion first aider..i'm not ..i'm not good enough to be one. so don't say that ever again ya? then after that ..elvin sir taught alot of things..we copied abt 20 pages of impt notes. copy until hand wan break ler..after theory..was the practical..sir recaped with us abt the bandages. then madm joanne came. and this is wad happened.........

edna fractured her arm.

madm fleonna got eye injury.

madm fleonna again

madm xinyu. so cute right..haha. and madm kexin the first aider.

er yupp..that's all for the pics bah..very little..but enough. then after that..had to do cpr. i was shaking okkay..practically shaking..my hands so cold..and was sweating..coz the sir keep saying wad i was link-cadet..must do better. then very stress. but yah..then luckily the sir din NG(not-good) . mendi kena NG alot of times..so kelian. yah..the did the 2 blows..no..i did 4..then did the pumping..do until i hands like jelly..legs also like jelly. after that..we ended our lesson..thanked the sir elvin. and he so good..gave us sweets too. =)

then madm joanne took down our particulars for tmr the thing..the cip for flag day. then they dinnered together at s11. but me and juliana went home first. talked on the way..chatted and gossiped..haha. fun. then tmr got the thing. we doing full day..good right. hmmm.

and now very glad that mendi is liking rc more and more..that's very good. like that then she will do her best for rc. really hope others will be like her too. then for sure the unit will prosper.

so many questions..as to why things happen. always - why? see how ppl change? see wad they become? i really dunno wad u r thinking. can u tell us? at least let us know why. we used to be good friends. good friends share everything..including the hardships. do u know that? u used to do that, but now..its just so wrong. maybe in the first place u didn't have feelings for us. maybe to u..we r just another person on ur wide list of friends. maybe we don't mean anything to u? u asked for chances, we gave u chances. everytime we are abt to give up on u, then somehow u will just apologise. do u know that ur apology has a great impact on us? everytime u say sorry, u melt our hearts u know..and we are willing to give u another chance. but when we do, maybe u take our chances for granted, thinking that we'll always be there to give u a chance? i'm sad to say..there's also a limit for us. we can nvr always be there u know..once u cross the line..its hard to get back to the other side. and u've hurt us all...deeply. maybe u don't know. but we do. time....u say u need time..but time is precious. this is the crucial moment..can't u make and exception?? this is an impt time..where everyone is stressed up. with studies, cca and blah. u know..it would help if u could be there..maybe not to help if u don't want to..but just be there. let us know that u still care. its very impt leh..even though its just moral support..but i think all of us would be happy just to know u're there. so can u try? please?

today...link-cadet activity. i was an attituder. i gave attitude. because of her. i tot i hated her . but..as my previous post states. hmmmmm..so yeah..went to east coast with my dear peiying..and my little linkies. yckss went too. in the bus, talked to madm kexin..isit consider gossip?? haha..maybe..wow..then we become big time gossipers! weee..haha..but yeah..the talk was really quite nice. coz is like we all seldom communicate like that. uh huh...so ..after we reached..went beach cleaning..saw many dead jelly fish, little crabs and stinking dead fishes. eeeeew.

then the wind was BIG BIG BIG. den me and yilin were like ...we went into toilet do hair(zi lian hor!)..then we walk out...the wind blew again..then we said...so irritating...go make hao hao come out still kena blow..so ma fan! hahaha..damn funny lar..yeah..then after that..somehow..i got slightly irritated by ahem. i think alot of ppl know ler. yupp..then is like we are the instructors...then is like got her...jiu we dun need do anything ler..the sec 1s damn cute..'the madm come here do everything, we also got nothing to do..call us come for wad?!' hahaha..damn funny lar..but seriously..everytime ahem is here..we got nothing to do ler...QIANG WO MEN DE FAN WAN!! haha..then i was bad-mooding..and ppl come comfort me. sorry to the person if i had shown u any attitude. i've explain myself terribly clearly in the last post ler okkay..so u slowly go read and comprehend. hmmmmm. then let the kiddos play games...they're so innocent..and they can be so void of unhappiness..they played our simple games with so much enthusiasm..unlike us. qh and i were amazed at how they could be so innocent..and be contented with such simple things..how i wish i could too. and after games.. we went back peiying primary...ate lunch..i was still bu shuang-ing. oh mans. i pity those around me. sorry for being such an ass ..i apologise okkay. then we were split into groups again..my group went to do evacuation. cool man. love it..edna and me were the main aiders..while poor kewei had to risk being our casualty..haha..who ask her be the lightest! haha..jkjk..had a very very good time there..with madm kexin..we planned to play a trick on madm weilin..to sort of bend her knees..and make her kneel w/o much force..then we keep laughing and laughing. haha..but i missed these laughter..and i learned to treasure it..because i know that in a yr from now..i will be thinnking back of these things...so enjoyed it. but too bad our trick failed..then we decided to try it on madm joanne..too bad she was too smart for it. hmmmm..i wonder how she knew. but yeah..she managed to escape. and guess where she went.

yah..that's where she went.

hmm..then after that ..i went to ka ciao the ppl in the cpr room..i went to ka ciao the jingkai sir from yckss..i posed many unsolvable questions..hahah..but he stilled tried his best to answer. yah..and he gave alot of tips on cpr..good. madm xinyu nvr kan cuo ren!! haha.

then they had a break. after break, we went back to evac station. i learned to do the fireman's lift from mr chia. again......i asked many unanswerable questions..i asked until my dear mr chia had no answer for it!! hahahah! okkay..then kept trying the fireman's lift thing..but keep cannot! so pek chek. ahh..nvm..then taught the kids the 2,3,4 handseats. some grps were very cooperative, others not.

yupp..then at around 6, we were dismissed. and hey, there's still more pics. but i'm kinda sure i will get killed for posting these pics.

our 3 sleeping beauties. love them so much! =)

i don't know why. i didn't dare to look at u at all today.somehow felt so strange..and far apart. den came the hate, i don't know why. but its just that feeling..when u're there, i feel like running away. so i did. further away from you to some place else. i could not sort out my thinking. u are a nice person. but somehow..only in the past could i communicate to you. now, i feel like even standing beside u is a torture.


just came back from a night out alone. thought of wad happened and all. you did alot for me, u were there to comfort me when i cried, to be my teacher and guider when i was in desperate need of help, listening ears to me when i needed to complain. so much u did for me. i suddenly feel that feeling back again. at graduation assembly, i gave u a gift. and a hug. and my tears. then u sent me a long msg. in which i thoroughly read it through again and again. wondering if u would take back ur words. after wad i did. hmmm..yep..i sent u a msg..asking u a question. and yeah..we talked......just like the way we used to in the past. it was some misunderstanding?? i guess we really have not talked for a long time. wad u told me today....made me feel so guilty. u said u felt sad when i appeared so scared of u..i don't know if thats the truth..but somehow..u think i'm not sad too? i'm sad..but i can't show it. i mustn't. so i controlled. and yeah. no one knows.


i thought the person i admired most and respected most was ******. but somehow when this thing happened, u're the one. did i feel so sad when ****** did not really show me wad i had expected. i felt sad, but not as sad as now. not as heartbroken as now. u merely said one sentence..but the impact of that sentence..was so great it made me feel hurt! just one sentence..which show how much ur friendship really meant. now i understand. did i take ur friendship for granted? when u were ther for me, i only kept thinking of ******..but now .. i want back our friendship. i don't know why. i'm wondering..do u really mean that much to me? that i could sit there for hours thinking abt wad u said..and crying at the same time. i'm really surprised..u are the special person that can make me feel hurt by a sentence meant to be just a light joke. okkay..i really hope we can be the greatest friends...like wad u told me in that msg. thanks really alot..for telling me some truths..to help me realise these facts. i guess there will no longer be any running aways? maybe.....i'm not sure.

the time is wrong again. and i don't know why.

today 11 march..is a total disaster. nothing went right today. came to sch in momo's car. hmm..wearing purple pe tee..coz can't find all my size 40 blue shirts. yea..then reached sch..to see qh sitting there by herself. asked her why she appeared here at 8.45 so early...and she replied, 'oh, i 8.30 already reach ler.' then i was like, '....................' then madm kexin walked past. and i was like ...greet or dun greet. in the end she 'flew' away le. and at the same time, madm xinyu walked towards our direction. i decided to greet, so i greeted. qh tot she no need great..so she just sit there. then who knows madm xinyu ask her she tua pai no need greet ah..haha..funny lar.


so leng right? whatever. -.-


then yf and edna arrived. yinyin was late. so we proceeded upstairs to ava room first..then i somehow rmb-ed to ask the madms up as well. so i dashed downstairs..without asking where the rest would be going to.. den knocked on the room door...waited there for like 5 mins. and finally..i peeped. i'm a peeping tom! woo. yeah..peeped through the small little hole that they apparently forgot to close. and saw nobody in side; the lights were on leh. waste electricity. yeah..so tot they would find their way up some how or another..like wad i had to do then. i searched everywhere..finally found them in ava room at 3rd floor. entered..then start practising the 2,3,4 handseat..recovery position, human stretcher and all. then madms came in after awhile, shouted that we had 10 sec to get down to the foyer..so we chiong downstair..we tot got wad big thing..and as expected..'WHOLE LOT KNOCK IT DOWN!' kkay..pumping position..then they questioned us why we din tell them where we going..aiya..then dunno lar..gave them some stupid weird explanation..okkay..'WHOLE LOT RECOVER'..then we chiong upstairs again..to see the land ppl sitting on the floor outside the room..woa..so manny ppl..we shocked dao. then everyone went in..so noisy lar..and they were taking their own sweet time at everything...and we ren-ed and ren-ed and ren-ed..finally when we talk finished..and they learned finished..we exit the room..


went downstairs to wait for guides. heard they dropped their pole on friday...and today. so suay..kena alot of pumping..den heard land lost some receipts and their sergeant asked qinjie to find..make sure he find all..den we saw him looking for it..then go asked him wad he looking for..then we all pitched in to help..see him like that..its a big big torture man. u can somehow feel his pain....and anxiety. how hard he looked round for the receipts..then we went around searching in the dustbins..and woooo...LUCKY ME..I FOUND OUR GOD DAMN WORKSHEETS THAT WE GAVE LAND CADETS in the HOLY DUSTBIN! u know wad is dustbin??
D-U-S-T-B-I-N....u could not imagine how fuming mad i was then...i looked as if i could really breathe fire. wow..okkay..then told qj abt this...didn't mean to like speak in that manner to him..coz is not his fault..and he is already so stressed and pressurised..but somehow..i.....lost control? i don't know..but i really dunno wad we did to deserve this kind of thing. its a sunday morning...we ppl have to wake up esp early to come to sch..and teach u guys these things...and u do this to us??! we really owe u something isit?! i don't think so lar!! u guys too guo fen le right? even wanna throw..oso be smarter..at least throw it somewhere where we won't see it right?!!


their sirs found the ppl who did that lar..is sec 1s and 2s...then they apologised to us. but wad we want is not an apology..we want an explanation why this would happen? is the notes really worthless to u?! dowan den return to us lar..u know print these things need money? need paper? need ink? u all know anot?! and u all should not be apologising to us....it should be to ur sirs! and sergeants. they work so hard to uphold the unit to wad it is now..and because of wad u did..u cause their work to all go down the drain. ur unit...NCC LAND leh..maybe u all dont care?! but we do! we are fellow UGians. we care even if u don't.


and so...this was the one most unfortunate incidents today..other than the fact that many ppl got injured today..3 ppl from ncc land injured their knees..and one girl from choir hyperventilated. me and edna went to help..but apparently..was not much of help..coz got the higher ppl like mr tan and mr ng..so we no need do anything ler.


then yf and juli went to buy our lunch. den as we got no comp lab to use..we asked for permission to use one of the computers in NCC land's ops room, which is itlr 1. then we took turns eat our lunch outside the room coz sir say cannot bring in. then the reps from RC, GG, NCC air, NPCC came..then we discussed abt our games and all. then the budget given was very little..$50 for doorgifts and equipment for games. so we had to find a cheap alternative for doorgifts. in the end settled for compressed leaves. not such a good idea..but definitely cheap. in fact, free. coz we pluck from sch tress. hmmm.


then after our meeting, we went around to collect some leaves for that thing. then thanked the sergeants for being kind enough to lend us the room..really thanks ahh..if not for the fact u all let us use..we no need do our proposal thing ler..haha. den after that went to macs again. we talked and all..and finally left after we shuang. then 88-ed to hougang/yck road with edna and juli. and after that switched to bus 854 with juli. reached khatib then got down. poor juli..had to take 3 buses to reach home. really thanks for pei-ing me arh..


reached home ler..quite sleepy..tmr still got the link-cadet thing. oh man..yiling and madm joanne sure love to play games with me man! dunno wad they doing lar. but yeah..heard that madm joanne going tmr. so cham. sure die. i don't wanna go ler la..got madm joanne kong ju zheng. sad. SAVE ME!!

saturday, 10 march..PIANO EXAM!! wahh..stress..coz i din really study. hmm. opps. and yeah..so as usual..my momo had to pull me out of bed..coz had to leave house by 8.45..coz must go starhub centre..which apparently is very far from my khatib home. so..ate, studied abit, then left..my sisters all go take oso. so in the car..we mugged the whole time.. mugged until went kuku lar..but good thing that someone sent me a msg..which is actually abt her changing her phone number..tell me to take note..but it became a conversation..so i was half studying, half sms-ing. but it was so nice. i finally understand some things..hmm..then talked until i had to go in the exam hall. told her that and she wished me good luck. yeah..felt so blessed. and full of confidence. it may be nothing to others..but it meant a whole lot to me. i'm not tong zhi or wad..i just.............arrrr..wadever..think wad u all like. i'm tired to explain. so took the exam..stayed in there and wrote and wrote..after half an hour..many ppl left. then left afew. but because i don't want to get anymore naggings, i stayed in there. checked my answers again and again. after i felt i could do nothing more, i 'plopped' on the table..and SLEPT! yes, slept. because got air con..and because i was woken up this morn for the test, the exam hall was a good place to sleep. so........

slept............

slept.......................

and slept. -.-

woke up after abt 30 mins. then checked my paper again before handing up . walked out of the room and straight to peepee. =)) hahaha..den sms-ed my dear caryn. she took exam too. but diff grade. so we talked and talked. i lunched at pizza hut with family and friends.

my lunch, but as usual..i eat ler, drink ler, then rmb to take photo.

the drink was nice..lunch was good too..but very very fattening. must go running ler. who want go run with me?? hahas. then home-d after lunch. so bored..then must prepare for first aid thing tmr. dunno if the guys will be appreciative anot.

i missed the past. i tot i could carry on. but when i saw that old class room of ours. tears just came to my eyes. the clock, our cupboard, and the very place i sat at with my sitting partner, xx. all those memories came back. and somehow..i tot of how everyone had changed. emo-ed back to 3/3..and tried to occupy myself with something to do..so i won't think of anything else. so...took the merit/demerit file and just read my peers' particulars. yeah..reading made me feel worse. somehow..i see how my friends look when they were sec 1. and how they looked now. that's just a physical change. coz everyone grows. but its wad's in side of them that's scary. they've changed. i don't know how to explain it. but i really wish everything would be back to the past. now there's many other problems. don't know how to solve it. i guess i'll take one step at a time.

friday's trng..more controlled. more like the past. more like the trng i missed. more like the old times. but they still as slack. so i wu hua ke shuo. there was a weird thing going on..yeah..and internal conflicts i don't wanna speak of. ppl pon-ned trng again. maybe because of the mere fact we were asked to bring uniform..perhaps they tot there would be a changing parade but too bad there wasn't, and we din even get to wear our uniforms. hmm. and i told a lie again. felt guilty, bad, and everything else that could make me feel bad enough to apologise. i apologised..but i think apology not accepted. well, i tried. and i will keep trying.


anyway..we marched in the hot sun..and somehow..some ppl were distracted because of some things..and kept doing wrong drills. den in the end kena pumped on the so terribly hot carpark ground. do u have any idea how sizzling the ground was? according to qh..it is a frying prata stove. hmmmm...u know, a stove that can fry prata . yeah..for me, it was like putting ur hand on some bbq pit, bbq-ing ur hand. okkay..yf and chongxi was the first to tio. very cham leh..yf was crying...and i don't know wad happen to chongxi. our squad asked for permission to down with them for upteen times, but she ignored us. fine. then after they were allowed to recover, we continued with our drills, and i saw their hands... woah! their hands were like bright red due to the heat. madm xinyu then apologised to them, saying that the ground was really really hot. and we must learn to endure this kind of heat. then after that..dunno we did something wrong again. then whole lot knock it down, so our squad was like jumping around, just tat we were in pumping position. everyone like keep saying HOT HOT HOT..then finally madm let us do in the shade. that felt so much better.


then continued with our day's activity..but yeah..we did not wear uniform..some ppl were disappointed, others happy. so then the last thing on our RO was lesson time! woo..re-caped some first aid stuff, evac, and cpr. super fun..i love evac. miss all the practical sessions in the past. yeah. then madm weilin and i were like keep trying to do the cradle carry, and the high dragging, low dragging. so fun. wish to learn more. then continued...at first madm kexin keep ask me to do cpr on the little anne, but i keep pretend to talk to madm weilin about the evac stuff. sorry madm kexin. hmm..then extended the trng until about 6++ coz the cadets were like so enthu in cpr..then keep wanna give the little anne mouth-to-mouth..so as usual, ended with the debrief. and there..our wonderful trng has ended! =D

sorry yifang and julian..happy belated birthdays. hmm

our dear yifang!!

and oops. the birthday boy with ahem! hahaha =)

i think i will be killed after this..but i dun mind losing my head for this. =DD

went blog-hopping..realised that alot of cca leaders re-approaching themselves these days. isn't it abit too late to feel bad abt it now? why din u all think of changing when u all just took over? somemore u all got great leaders to help u all..haish..how abt us? hmm..shit..shan't complain anymore. but yeah..madms and sirs..if anyone of u all reading this, which i hope not, u all have been great leaders, maybe u all tried ur best le? u all did alot for ur unit le..but maybe the cadets just don't listen? u all say like that...very scary leh..if u all feel this way..won't we feel even worse? wondering..wads gonna happen when u all pass out? when we take over? isit gonna be very bad? how come...these days..cadets can't even take it..they cant even do 10 pumpings properly..and they no urgency leh..ask them run..they stroll....haish..next trng we gonna kena scolding from madms..long time nvr get scolded ler..hope can go back to last yrs trng..where its discipline, discipline and more discipline. and the sad thing is..no one comes back..every trng..i think to myself, will anyone be back to see us? maybe no one else feels that way..of wanting seniors to come back..but i feel otherwise leh..how come ahh? i don't know. but when i see other cca de seniors come back..i somehow wished that our seniors would come back..that would be a miracle. trng these days really holds no meaning anymore. its just very ordinary. i have no idea how to plan a fun trng. if we plan a fun trng, it has to be slack..or sec 1s won't find it fun. but if it were a fun trng, madms will scold. coz they say too slack. argh..really don't know wad to do. i really think those ppl who want fun trng should not even have joined UG. UG is abt drills, standard and discipline. but yeah. don't know why will become like that. oh wells.

again, there's something wrong with the blogger time..isit my eyes went bonkers and i'm seeing things? orr isit really wrong?

wad's wrong with me? am i stressed? that i become kuku already? everyday in sch..that happy, smiling face seems no longer me. during maths lesson..i go crazy..even mabel says i belong to IMH. qh added that i belonged there a long time ago. do i look like a crazy person now? someone that just lost her mind. do i lack friendship? somehow friends just come and go...don't know how to keep any by my side. i'm so selfish. because no one belongs to me. just really hope there will be someone who can be there for me. sometimes i ask, can pei me go somewhere, that person that is willing to pei me is really impt. some just say..sorry. busy. but they don't know how much that means to me. just that small action of pei-ing me speaks a thousand words. its somehow really impt to me. but no one understands, or rather bothers. its okkay..i shall learn to be independent. but i'm still waiting for that friend, that friend who will be there always...

why? how come u just won't understand? i've grown up ler..u can't keep telling me what to do. i'll become even more rebellious. i hate ur naggings, ur scoldings, and ur whatever shit telling me to study and all. u think i don't know that i must study meh? i know when to study de...but u keep pushing me ..i can't stand it anymore..staying back in school keeps me away from this horrendous place. i just wanna go for camps, and stuff with my beloved friends..i know when to study for my piano and all.. but u still treat me like a little kid who don't know anything. i really wish i can grow up faster...do wad i want. u're overprotecting. haish..like i don't know what to do like that. sec 3 will be a stressful year, with tests, cca, piano and other stuff..but i know i'll be able to manage. if only u weren't there to stop me from doing things i love to do.